Focus on yourself; Do not seek revenge on the narcissist

(This post was written as an answer to a question "how to become a nightmare of the narcissist?" on Quora platform. It is posted here to spread awareness on dealing with the narcissism)

First become independent. Avoid any kind of dependency on the narcissist. If you ignore them, focus on yourself and become your best, it will hurt them the most. Focusing on ourselves helps than seeking revenge. We don’t bite dogs for they biting us. If you are convinced, you don’t have to read any further.

If you want get some pleasure from becoming narcissist's nightmare, you will have to employ similar tactics that narcissist played on you. You can try the following. Though sadistic, they will work:

1. Do things which the narcissist tells you not to do (for example, if the narcissist prevented you from meeting your friends, you will go on to meet them and ignore all of the tantrums narcissist throws at you).
2. Ignore all of their threats. If needed, be prepared to fight (legal, physical or mental games).
3. Treat the narcissist like shit. Don’t say it in words rather convey through actions.
4. Challenge the narcissist in public. Demonstrate you are superior to the narcissist.
5. Devalue them without any mercy.
6. Become friends with narcissist’s good friend and worst enemy. If possible, flirt with them to hurt the narcissist severely. When questioned just deny.
7. Don’t accept any accusation from the narcissist. Blindly turn it on them like they did it to you.

List can go on. You can recollect how the narcissist caused you pain and make them feel the same by mirroring their behavior.

But I would still say, just ignore them and move on. That is the ultimate damage you can cause to them. We don’t have to become another narcissist to take revenge on them. Focus on healing. Do what you enjoy. Spend time with those who elevate you.

When you are healed, you don’t want any revenge. You will be rather thankful to the narcissist for cutting open your weaknesses and make you a different and a much tempered person. You will know that focus of your life needs to be you. You won’t need any further validation from another narcissist.

ಬುಲೆಟ್ ಪುರಾಣ

ನಾನು ಚಿಕ್ಕವನಿದ್ದಾಗ (೮೦ ರ ದಶಕದಲ್ಲಿ) ನಮ್ಮೂರು ಮಸ್ಕಿಯಲ್ಲಿ ಇದ್ದದ್ದು ಎರಡೇ ಬೈಕ್ ಗಳು. ಒಂದು ಖ್ಯಾತ ವೈದ್ಯರದ್ದು. ಮತ್ತು ಇನ್ನೊಂದು ಪೊಲೀಸ್ ಸಬ್ ಇನ್ಸ್ಪೆಕ್ಟರ್ ಅವರದ್ದು. ಎರಡು ಕೂಡ ಬುಲೆಟ್ ಬೈಕ್ ಗಳೇ. ಕಾಲ ಕ್ರಮೇಣ ತರಹೇವಾರಿ ಬೈಕ್ ಗಳು ಬಂದವು. ಎಜ್ಡಿ, ರಾಜದೂತ್, ಮತ್ತು ಜಾವಾ. ಇನ್ನೊಂದು ದಶಕ ಕಳೆಯುವಷ್ಟರಲ್ಲಿ ಹೀರೋ ಹೋಂಡಾ. ಬಜಾಜ್, ಯಮಹಾಗಳು ಬಂದು ಮನೆಗೊಂದು ಬೈಕ್ ಬಂದಾಗಿತ್ತು. ಆದರೆ ನಾನು ಜೀವನದ ಶುರುವಿನಲ್ಲಿ ತಿಳಿದುಕೊಂಡಿದ್ದು ಕಾರ್ ಅಂದರೆ ಅಂಬಾಸಡರ್ ಮತ್ತು ಬೈಕ್ ಅಂದರೆ ಬುಲೆಟ್. ಇದು ಬರೀ ನಮ್ಮೂರಷ್ಟೇ ಅಲ್ಲ. ನಾವು ನೋಡುತ್ತಿದ್ದ ಕನ್ನಡ ಚಲನ ಚಿತ್ರಗಳಲ್ಲಿ ಕೂಡ ಅವುಗಳೇ ಕಾಣುತ್ತಿದ್ದವು. ನಾಯಕ ಶಂಕರ್ ನಾಗ್ ರಿಂದ ಖಳನಾಯಕ ಸುಧೀರ್ ರವರೆಗೆ ಓಡಿಸುತ್ತಿದ್ದದ್ದು ಬುಲೆಟ್ ಬೈಕ್ ಗಳೇ.

ಆ ಕಾಲಮಾನದಲ್ಲಿದ್ದ ಅನೇಕ ಬೈಕ್ ಕಂಪನಿಗಳು ಮುಚ್ಚಿ ಹೋದವು. ಬುಲೆಟ್ ಕೂಡ ಅದೇ ಹಾದಿಯಲ್ಲಿ ಸ್ವಲ್ಪ ವರ್ಷಗಳ ಕಾಲ ಕಣ್ಮರೆಯಾಗಿತ್ತು. ಆದರೆ ಅದಕ್ಕೆ ಮತ್ತೆ ಪುನರುಜ್ಜೀವನ ಸಿಕ್ಕಿತು. ಕ್ರಮೇಣ ಅದು ತನ್ನ ಬೆಲೆ ಕೂಡ ಹೆಚ್ಚಿಸಿಕೊಂಡು ಮಾರುಕಟ್ಟೆಯಲ್ಲಿ ಹೊಸ ಗ್ರಾಹಕರನ್ನು ಸೆಳೆಯುತ್ತ ಸದ್ದು ಮಾಡತೊಡಗಿತು. ಬದಲಾದ ಪೀಳಿಗೆಗೆ ಹಳೆಯ ಬೈಕ್ ಕೆಲವು ಕಾರಣಗಳಿಂದ ಇಷ್ಟವಾಗತೊಡಗಿತು.

ಬೈಕ್  ಅಂದರೆ ಅಷ್ಟೇನೂ ಹುಚ್ಚು ಇರದಿದ್ದ ನನಗೂ ಕೂಡ ಅದೇಕೋ ಇದನ್ನು ಓಡಿಸುವ ಹುಚ್ಚು ಸೇರತೊಡಗಿತು. ತೆಗೆದುಕೊಳ್ಳಬೇಕೋ, ಬೇಡವೋ ಎನ್ನುವ ಜಿಜ್ಞಾಸೆಯಲ್ಲಿ ಹಲವು ತಿಂಗಳುಗಳು ಕಳೆದು ಹೋದವು. ಕೊನೆಗೆ ದುಡ್ಡು ಜೋಡಿಸಿಕೊಂಡು ಬೈಕ್ ಏರಿದ್ದಾಯಿತು. ಆ ಸಂತೋಷ ನಿಮ್ಮ ಜೊತೆ ಹಂಚಿಕೊಳ್ಳುವ ಸಲುವಾಗಿ ಇದನ್ನು ಬರೆದದ್ದಾಯಿತು.

Shutting down a narcissist

As long as you can tolerate, narcissist in your life want to torture you. They are experts in playing mind games with you. Any way to cope with them will lead to circular arguments and there will be no solution as the narcissist does not want a solution anyway. That is the reason many say leave the narcissists and go no contact.

If you have not done anything wrong, why should you run away? If you do so, you will appear weak and the society thinks you ran away from your responsibilities as they might not know the reality. Even after escaping the narcissist, what is the guarantee that you won't get caught with another narcissist? If so, will you run away again?

It is not you who should be running away anyway. It is supposed to be the other party. I say don't go anywhere. Instead make the narcissist run away from you. How? A three ponged strategy will help you.

1. Complete disengagement with narcissist: Avoid any kind of dependency from the narcissist. Physical needs, money matters, rare kind words all of them. Just stop interacting with him/her completely. Don't give any opportunity for them to directly approach you. If you have children, then keep the matters restricted, have someone in between while interacting.

2. Do what the narcissist told you NOT to do: Do those things exactly what the narcissist restricted you from not doing. Go out and meet your friends. Restart your hobbies. Get into good shape physically. Do things you enjoy. Spend money on things you like. You don't have to please narcissist anymore.

3. Be prepared to fight: The fights could be legal, mind games or physical. Take legal help and have your documents ready in case of a legal fight. If they are playing mind games, ensure narcissists and their flying monkeys get trapped in their own games. If it comes to physical fights, you should be ready to do the maximum damage to your opposite party. I am sorry, all of these will make you an insensitive person but that is the point. Don't just warn them rather be offensive and do some significant damage. Unless you show them that you will give a brutal fight, they won't leave you. Be a nice person in your private life.  But not with narcissists and their supporters. Showing weakness attracts them. Punching them on face, insulting them publicly discourages them.

The first point makes you independent of narcissist. The second ensures you have taken back the control of your life. Third is most important. It will not only discourage the current narcissist. It also ensures new narcissists won't enter your life.

No contact is not an ideal solution all the times. Rather work on your weaknesses and put narcissists in their place. They are unlikely to change but they will stop bothering you and move on to a weaker target. Narcissist was a God send in your life to show your weaknesses. Once you have overcome them, narcissist and psychopaths are not a trouble for you anymore.

ತೋಳ ಬಂತು ತೋಳ

ಕುರಿ ಕಾಯಲು ಬಂದ ಹುಡುಗನಿಗೆ ಕುತೂಹಲ. ತೋಳ ಬಂದರೆ ಜನ ಸಹಾಯಕ್ಕೆ ಬರುವರೇ? ದೊಡ್ಡ ದನಿಯಲ್ಲಿ ಕೂಗಿಯೇ ಬಿಟ್ಟ 'ತೋಳ, ತೋಳ, ತೋಳ'. ಕೇಳಿಸಿಕೊಂಡ ಜನ ಸಹಾಯಕ್ಕೆ ಧಾವಿಸಿದರು. ಆದರೆ ಅದು ತಮಾಷೆಗೆ ಮಾಡಿದ್ದು ಎಂದು ಗೊತ್ತಾದಾಗ ಜನ ಆ ಹುಡುಗನನ್ನು ಬೈದುಕೊಂಡು ಹಿಂತಿರುಗಿದರು.

ಆದರೆ ಒಂದು ದಿನ ತೋಳ ಬಂದೇ ಬಿಟ್ಟಿತು. ಅವನು ಸಹಾಯಕ್ಕೆ ಕೂಗಿಕೊಂಡ. ಆದರೆ ಹುಡುಗನ ಧ್ವನಿಯನ್ನು ಗುರುತಿಸಿದ ಜನ ಅವನನ್ನು ಉಪೇಕ್ಷಿಸಿದರು. 

ಆ ಹುಡುಗ ಸಂಜೆಯಾದರೂ ಮನೆಗೆ ಬರೆದದ್ದಕ್ಕೆ ಅವನ ಅಜ್ಜ ಅವನನ್ನು ಹುಡುಕಿಕೊಂಡು ಬಂದ. ತೋಳ ಒಂದು ಕುರಿಯನ್ನು ಎತ್ತಿಕೊಂಡು ಹೋಗಿತ್ತು. ಉಳಿದವುಗಳು ಚೆಲ್ಲಾಪಿಲ್ಲಿಯಾಗಿದ್ದವು. ತಾತ ಮೊಮ್ಮಗನ ಹೆಗಲ ಮೇಲೆ ಕೈ ಹಾಕಿ ಮನೆಗೆ ಕರೆದುಕೊಂಡು ಹೊರಟ. ದಾರಿಯಲ್ಲಿ ಮೊಮ್ಮಗ ಕೇಳಿದ 'ನಾನು ಮಾಡಿದ ತಪ್ಪು ಏನು?'

ತಾತ ಸಮಾಧಾನದಿಂದ ಉತ್ತರಿಸಿದ: 'ಸುಳ್ಳುಗಾರರನ್ನು ಜನ ನಂಬುವುದಿಲ್ಲ'

ಕಥೆ ಹಳೆಯದಾದರೂ ಪುನರಾವರ್ತನೆ ಆಗುತ್ತಲೇ ಇರುತ್ತದೆ. ಏಕೆಂದರೆ ಮೊದಲ ಸಲ (ಅಥವಾ ಮೋಸ ಹೋಗುವುವರೆಗೆ) ಜನ ಸುಳ್ಳುಗಾರರನ್ನು ನಂಬುತ್ತಾರೆ. ಮತ್ತು ಅದರ ಉಪಯೋಗ ಪಡೆದುಕೊಂಡು ಸುಳ್ಳುಗಾರರು ಹೊಸ ಜನರನ್ನು ಹುಡುಕಿಕೊಂಡು ಹೋಗುತ್ತಾರೆ. ನಿಜವಾಗಿ ತೋಳ ಬಂದಾಗ ಸುಳ್ಳುಗಾರನ ಕಥೆ ಮುಗಿಯುತ್ತದೆ. ಮತ್ತೆ ಹೊಸ ಸುಳ್ಳುಗಾರ ಹುಟ್ಟಿಕೊಳ್ಳುತ್ತಾನೆ. ಕಥೆ ಪುನರಾವರ್ತನೆ ಆಗುತ್ತಲೇ ಹೋಗುತ್ತದೆ.

ಮನುಷ್ಯ ಮನುಷ್ಯನನ್ನು ನಂಬುತ್ತಾನೆ. ಅದಕ್ಕೆ ಮನುಷ್ಯ ಮನುಷ್ಯನಿಗೆ ಮೋಸ ಮಾಡಲು ಸಾಧ್ಯವಾಗುತ್ತದೆ. ತೋಳನೆಂಬ ವಿಧಿ ಇದನ್ನು ಸಮತೋಲನ ಮಾಡಲು ತಡವಾಗಿ ಆದರೂ ಬಂದೇ ಬರುತ್ತಾನೆ.

70 hours or Purpose of life?

Narayana Murthy was an entrepreneur. He worked for himself. Likely that he worked 80-90 hours himself (or he might not have kept a count). Even while he was resting, he might have had thoughts of how to make progress with his mission. He breathed and lived his company. He was not alone in building Infosys. He had partners. And those partners though they had complete trust in their mentor Murthy, it appears like, they did not have the same level of commitment or the burning desire of Narayana Murthy.

For anybody working on his mission, hours do not count. Forget the corporate world, go and check with a Sadhu doing sadhana in the foothills of Himalaya. He too would not count the hours. He is dedicated towards his mission. And he does not seem to care about measuring it with the hours. 

Then there are others who work for money. They are largest mass in the society. They work for others to earn their livelihood. If they too are ambitious, they won't mind working 70 hours a week for the fixed pay they get at the end of the month. That is because they see value in the extra hours they are putting and they expect that it will be paid back in future through a better job or a promotion. If they enjoy the work, again they would not mind spending all of the awake hours in the office going to home only for sleep.

But look at factory workers. They expect to be paid for overtime. They need an incentive for the extra efforts. If a leader gives a motivating speech and ask them to work extra hours without compensation, it will build resentment rather than they coming forward to do what is being asked. That is because they question the purpose of doing additional work than stipulated. Fruits of their labor will be enjoyed by shareholders of the company and the management with hefty bonuses. What the labors get would be peanuts. If the purpose of work is to exchange it for money, which is the majority of workforce, Murthy's advice won't be taken as a good advice.

I believe Murthy said to work hard with an intention of building a better India which in turn will help us better our lives. So he said avoid instant gratification. But for an ordinary person, a better might not happen in his lifetime so he demands to be paid now instead.

If you compare India with other countries, a person living in India would not have to struggle a lot for survival. Much of the basic necessities needed for survival are present throughout India. Climate is not harsh. And Indians rarely had the ambitions of going out and conquering the world. They were peace lovers or in other words they were lazy enough to do anything beyond survival. What has been passed through hundreds of generations may not change in a hurry.

Those very few who want to change things will love Murthy. Some will criticize but the most will ignore what Murthy has suggested. For them purpose of life is to do the minimum work needed to survive. If everyone works so much, who will watch Movies, Cricket or stage a protest? An ordinary person would have watched more moves than Murthy had done. Any average person in India can name all the players in our World Cup Cricket team but Murthy despite his huge memory would struggle to do so.

Purpose of life is different for everyone. It is difficult to be like Murthy. Instead they do what is easy and please their senses.