The big fat wedding & the times to come

The senior Ambani, Dhirubai, was not a shy person. He had political connections for obvious persons. He had even sponsored Cricket World Cup. But that was to promote his business. It was less of a show-off and he did not go overboard with it. The parties he threw did not have too many cricketers and Bollywood stars. He meant business most of the times.

He had two sons. One was quite, introverted and seemed to be busy in his own world. The younger son, Anil, was flashy, had married a Bollywood star and was seeking attention everywhere he went. For right or wrong reasons, this younger son of Dhirubhai did not make right decisions in the world of business. The empire he had inherited disappeared into thin air in just matter of a decade.

The quite elder son Mukesh did well and multiplied the wealth he had inherited. His children are grown-up now and getting married now. And he wants his children to do well in their respective businesses. Just like his father was not equally lucky with his both children, a similar fate might be awaiting for children of Mukesh as well. Here are the reasons which makes me think so.

Mukesh looking at the type of person he is, he is not fond of movie stars or cricketers. It is his wife who owns a IPL team. It is Nita, Mukesh's wife who wants Bollywood stars in the parties she throws. And the wedding in their family shows to what extent Nita is willing to spend her husband's money. Though Mukesh would not mind losing 0.1% of wealth he has amassed, there is a problem with the attitude of his family now.

All these movie stars, cricketers are there at Mukesh's house for money, connections and to be in the good books. That power is given by the wealth of Mukesh and not the enterprising attitude of Nita, she only wants to be in the limelight. When Mukesh is going step away from the businesses he owns, his children will come into front. If they too get attracted by the flashy world their mother is attracted to and fail to make shrewd business decisions, the empire their father has built will quickly disappear. Much faster than their uncle Anil had lost money. While it might be early to expect what would happen, children siding with their mother and taking pride to be with movie stars and cricketers is really concerning. 

All is well until Mukesh is at the helm. But whatever he has done can be quickly undone too. And what would cause that is being shown on media these days. A trailer of what would come in the future.

One Sunday Morning

Distance covered: 75 km in 3 hours

Places: Manchanabele, Savanadurga

Tippagondanahalli Reservoir

Anjaneya waiting for his mask to be removed

Savana Durga 

Let's go!

Manchanabele Reservoir 

Savana Durga 

On The Life Expectancy

If you exclude accidents or wars, life expectancy has been in the range of 40 to 100. There were kings who died naturally in their 40's despite all the healthcare they could afford. Also, those who did home medication living to 100 and beyond.

In the ancient times, cavemen lived to see their 40th birthday at the most. Food was scarce (before agriculture). Fight with animals would mean instant death. If injured, he or she would die in few days as there was no medication like antiseptic, antibiotics available.

Once the human being learnt agriculture, he did not have to struggle for food everyday. And living in societies reduced the conflicts with animals to a greater extent. This dramatically helped the human species lifespan. They began to live longer.

Then  the development of medicines made things even better. It gave further boost to the lifespan.

Now, in today's age, there are two major factors affecting lifespan. Lifestyle & availability of healthcare facilities. 

1. Lifestyle: This is about kind of food we eat, presence or absence of physical exercises, do we sleep enough or not, habits affecting physical or mental health etc. If you take good care of your health, you are expected to live longer and the opposite makes you more vulnerable.

2. Healthcare facilities: Though healthcare facility is present but it is not equally distributed across the world. Many Asian & African villages lack a hospital even today. Even if there is one, it may not be well equipped to serve the needs.

These two factors determine how long one lives. In Japan, average life expectancy is above 80 years. The highest in the world. And in many African countries, the number is below 50. Global average is 71 years. If you happen to live in India, life expectancy is just 2 years lesser than global average, 69 years. And it is gradually getting better. Another populous country, China, has a number in higher 70's (or close to 80).

Well, this is average number. There are always people living above and below this number, influencing the average. If you brush your teeth twice a day, you add two years to the average. If you chew tobacco, you need to subtract couple of years from the average to arrive at your lifespan. Variety of factors affect how long we live.

If you say philosophically, it is not the number of years but the quality of lie lived is more important, well, that is not the subject matter of this article, it would be another blog post.

Focus on yourself; Do not seek revenge on the narcissist

(This post was written as an answer to a question "how to become a nightmare of the narcissist?" on Quora platform. It is posted here to spread awareness on dealing with the narcissism)

First become independent. Avoid any kind of dependency on the narcissist. If you ignore them, focus on yourself and become your best, it will hurt them the most. Focusing on ourselves helps than seeking revenge. We don’t bite dogs for they biting us. If you are convinced, you don’t have to read any further.

If you want get some pleasure from becoming narcissist's nightmare, you will have to employ similar tactics that narcissist played on you. You can try the following. Though sadistic, they will work:

1. Do things which the narcissist tells you not to do (for example, if the narcissist prevented you from meeting your friends, you will go on to meet them and ignore all of the tantrums narcissist throws at you).
2. Ignore all of their threats. If needed, be prepared to fight (legal, physical or mental games).
3. Treat the narcissist like shit. Don’t say it in words rather convey through actions.
4. Challenge the narcissist in public. Demonstrate you are superior to the narcissist.
5. Devalue them without any mercy.
6. Become friends with narcissist’s good friend and worst enemy. If possible, flirt with them to hurt the narcissist severely. When questioned just deny.
7. Don’t accept any accusation from the narcissist. Blindly turn it on them like they did it to you.

List can go on. You can recollect how the narcissist caused you pain and make them feel the same by mirroring their behavior.

But I would still say, just ignore them and move on. That is the ultimate damage you can cause to them. We don’t have to become another narcissist to take revenge on them. Focus on healing. Do what you enjoy. Spend time with those who elevate you.

When you are healed, you don’t want any revenge. You will be rather thankful to the narcissist for cutting open your weaknesses and make you a different and a much tempered person. You will know that focus of your life needs to be you. You won’t need any further validation from another narcissist.

Shutting down a narcissist

As long as you can tolerate, narcissist in your life want to torture you. They are experts in playing mind games with you. Any way to cope with them will lead to circular arguments and there will be no solution as the narcissist does not want a solution anyway. That is the reason many say leave the narcissists and go no contact.

If you have not done anything wrong, why should you run away? If you do so, you will appear weak and the society thinks you ran away from your responsibilities as they might not know the reality. Even after escaping the narcissist, what is the guarantee that you won't get caught with another narcissist? If so, will you run away again?

It is not you who should be running away anyway. It is supposed to be the other party. I say don't go anywhere. Instead make the narcissist run away from you. How? A three ponged strategy will help you.

1. Complete disengagement with narcissist: Avoid any kind of dependency from the narcissist. Physical needs, money matters, rare kind words all of them. Just stop interacting with him/her completely. Don't give any opportunity for them to directly approach you. If you have children, then keep the matters restricted, have someone in between while interacting.

2. Do what the narcissist told you NOT to do: Do those things exactly what the narcissist restricted you from not doing. Go out and meet your friends. Restart your hobbies. Get into good shape physically. Do things you enjoy. Spend money on things you like. You don't have to please narcissist anymore.

3. Be prepared to fight: The fights could be legal, mind games or physical. Take legal help and have your documents ready in case of a legal fight. If they are playing mind games, ensure narcissists and their flying monkeys get trapped in their own games. If it comes to physical fights, you should be ready to do the maximum damage to your opposite party. I am sorry, all of these will make you an insensitive person but that is the point. Don't just warn them rather be offensive and do some significant damage. Unless you show them that you will give a brutal fight, they won't leave you. Be a nice person in your private life.  But not with narcissists and their supporters. Showing weakness attracts them. Punching them on face, insulting them publicly discourages them.

The first point makes you independent of narcissist. The second ensures you have taken back the control of your life. Third is most important. It will not only discourage the current narcissist. It also ensures new narcissists won't enter your life.

No contact is not an ideal solution all the times. Rather work on your weaknesses and put narcissists in their place. They are unlikely to change but they will stop bothering you and move on to a weaker target. Narcissist was a God send in your life to show your weaknesses. Once you have overcome them, narcissist and psychopaths are not a trouble for you anymore.

70 hours or Purpose of life?

Narayana Murthy was an entrepreneur. He worked for himself. Likely that he worked 80-90 hours himself (or he might not have kept a count). Even while he was resting, he might have had thoughts of how to make progress with his mission. He breathed and lived his company. He was not alone in building Infosys. He had partners. And those partners though they had complete trust in their mentor Murthy, it appears like, they did not have the same level of commitment or the burning desire of Narayana Murthy.

For anybody working on his mission, hours do not count. Forget the corporate world, go and check with a Sadhu doing sadhana in the foothills of Himalaya. He too would not count the hours. He is dedicated towards his mission. And he does not seem to care about measuring it with the hours. 

Then there are others who work for money. They are largest mass in the society. They work for others to earn their livelihood. If they too are ambitious, they won't mind working 70 hours a week for the fixed pay they get at the end of the month. That is because they see value in the extra hours they are putting and they expect that it will be paid back in future through a better job or a promotion. If they enjoy the work, again they would not mind spending all of the awake hours in the office going to home only for sleep.

But look at factory workers. They expect to be paid for overtime. They need an incentive for the extra efforts. If a leader gives a motivating speech and ask them to work extra hours without compensation, it will build resentment rather than they coming forward to do what is being asked. That is because they question the purpose of doing additional work than stipulated. Fruits of their labor will be enjoyed by shareholders of the company and the management with hefty bonuses. What the labors get would be peanuts. If the purpose of work is to exchange it for money, which is the majority of workforce, Murthy's advice won't be taken as a good advice.

I believe Murthy said to work hard with an intention of building a better India which in turn will help us better our lives. So he said avoid instant gratification. But for an ordinary person, a better might not happen in his lifetime so he demands to be paid now instead.

If you compare India with other countries, a person living in India would not have to struggle a lot for survival. Much of the basic necessities needed for survival are present throughout India. Climate is not harsh. And Indians rarely had the ambitions of going out and conquering the world. They were peace lovers or in other words they were lazy enough to do anything beyond survival. What has been passed through hundreds of generations may not change in a hurry.

Those very few who want to change things will love Murthy. Some will criticize but the most will ignore what Murthy has suggested. For them purpose of life is to do the minimum work needed to survive. If everyone works so much, who will watch Movies, Cricket or stage a protest? An ordinary person would have watched more moves than Murthy had done. Any average person in India can name all the players in our World Cup Cricket team but Murthy despite his huge memory would struggle to do so.

Purpose of life is different for everyone. It is difficult to be like Murthy. Instead they do what is easy and please their senses.

Did you know you were manipulated by Social Media?

You go to Youtube to watch a specific video you had in mind. When you are done, you are shown relevant list of videos. If you have left "Auto Play" on, videos begin to play on themselves. You are hooked and begin to spend more time than you intended. Also, you are encouraged to "Like" and "Comment". Only thing it does not tell you is when to stop and leave the app. Even if you got out, they want you back soon. That is the purpose of sending notifications. If you check notifications, there is a possibility of one more session of your eyes glued to the screen again to ensue.

"When it is free, you are the product". So goes a saying about social media. All social media companies make money by showing you advertisements. The longer you stay, more the money they make. All the algorithms they have built to do "autofill", "suggestions", "recommendations" intended to make you spend more time on the social media. And it is by design.

Human beings are evolving at a slower pace for millions of years. But the social media which came to existence around two decades ago are evolving at a breakneck speed. They are designed, developed and marketed by the smartest people on this earth. They have a single purpose. We, the general public, need to give them attention, spend countless hours so that handful companies which run the social media become the richest companies on the earth.

Manipulation and addiction are as old as humankind themselves. Even when the televisions had hit the market, there were cries about them being addictive. It continues with the social media but at a much higher level. Let us say, you share a casual post on social media (Facebook, Linked In, Twitter or others). It grabs the attention of many people on your network and they respond with Emojis and comments. You get a cheap dopamine rush from that attention and you want that feeling again and again. That craving makes you spend more time on the screen. You become addicted without consuming alcohol or drug.

Social media is good when used with a purpose. And not when you do what it tells you to do. Be aware that there are  manipulation attempts, some of them are easy to find and few are subtle. Their purpose is to turn your mind against you. Even if it is not intentional, it will turn you into an addict. 

Better you decide what is good for you. And know when to keep social media at a distance. Reap the benefits of social media and at the same time, be aware of the damages it can do to a common man.

I was heavily influenced the by the documentary "Social Dilemma" available on Netflix. I won't give the link here. My intention is not to promote it but to caution you against the social media. Use it at your discretion and if you suspect manipulation, it most likely to be true.

Happy Birthday Warren !

Warren Buffett, a billionaire investor turned 93 today. If you want to learn investing and make money, listening to Warren is enough. While many of us want to be like him, it is just not possible to be so for many reasons. Some of them could be as follows:

1. Long life span with good health: 

One in five thousand live beyond the age of 90. And most of those who live beyond 90, will be suffering from health issues, needing support and care. But Warren at 93, runs a business, actively manages billions of dollars. Though age has made his body weak, he seems to be healthy and his mind is sharp as ever. He still reads everyday, tracks economic data and makes investment decisions. Also shares his knowledge and wisdom.

We already know Warren made most his wealth after he turned 60. Well, most of us would be retired by 60 and dead by 70. So forget about compounding doing the same magic for us.

2. Not upgrading lifestyle:

Any common man would like to show-off with the increase in income. Even a level headed guy would want a comfortable living. But Warren still lives in the same house he had bought many decades ago in a sleepy village. He bought second hand cars and ate at McDonalds. He did not upgrade his lifestyle. He reinvested all of his savings, That helped him become what he has become. He is a living example for his quote "If you buy things you do not need, soon you will have to sell things you need". This is when most of the world lives on debt and borrows to spend. 

3. Compounding Knowledge before compounding money:

After the graduation, he did not take up a job for money. He volunteered to work under Ben Graham to learn investing. He has spent most of his waking life reading. Not living in a town like New York saved him from commute time, flashy parties, celebrations and extravagant social circle. He did not need any kind of validation from the society. He just drove to his office to read multiple newspapers, company reports, and all the relevant things to keep him sane and make wise decisions. He compounded his knowledge before compounding his investments. This is when we can't wait to upgrade lifestyle, drive Ferrari and live in a massive mansion.

4. Staying within the circle of competence

Those who earn name and fame, be it movie actors, businessmen or scientists, often stay within their circle of competence. It helps them to keep focus and avoid errors. Warren did it too. He not only limited himself to the world of investing, he put money only in the businesses he understood well. While it is natural for most us to wander, and become error prone without proficiency in any one of the chosen subjects, Warren wisely avoided all those temptations. Even after becoming wealthy, he did not want to become a politician or try any other profession. Even when he decided to give away most of his wealth, rather than starting his own foundation, he gave most of it to foundations who are already doing a good job there. He chose to stick to running his own business which he was good at. Warren's investing style is simple but having his temper is difficult.

While I can give a dozen more reasons why we can't become another Warren, the above reasons are enough to indicate he is an unique person. While we are unique in different ways, becoming another Warren might not be a goal we all want to pursue either. He is a role model for many of us and not for all necessarily. Even if someone wants to follow his footsteps, you know it is quite rare to have a long life span having a sane mindset, not giving in to temptations and go on building the wisdom.

Warren who made billions and gave it away too, should be better known for his common sense, long term thinking and situational wisdom rather than the wealth he amassed. He has left behind a cult of investors and has motivated many across the world.

If possible, I would like to have the temperament of Warren, if not his wealth. 

I wish him a happy birthday!

Short Movie: If Anything Happens I Love You

This short movie is only 12 mins long. It is a 2D animated movie, mostly black and white and colors used to bring attention and depict positive emotions. There are no dialogues in the movie, only background music and a song.

It is a family of husband, wife and a daughter. Husband and wife are not on talking terms and their shadows represent dark emotions. They are in grief with the loss of their only daughter. She was shot and  killed when she was at school. Her last message to her parents was 'If Anything Happens I Love You'.

While doing household activities, mother is reminded of her daughter. All the memories come back to life. Her husband too joins her. Daughter's shadow brings her parents together.

Animated characters in this movie bring deep emotions to the surface. No parent would like to lose their child. But if it happens, it can be a very sad event for them. Life can take sudden turns. So you would agree with the message of the movie: 'If Anything Happens I Love You'.

This movie did win an Oscar award. I watched this on Netflix.

https://www.netflix.com/title/81349306#:~:text=In%20this%20Oscar%2Dwinning%20short,after%20a%20tragic%20school%20shooting.

 

Reaching Zenith, and struggling to remain there

Sales from Products & Services: A Company's sales from products decline while it's revenue from services go up. In a normal scenario, one would assume this indicating a saturation for its product market. But the products are still relevant, so the service revenue is high.

Sales across Geography: If the products are premium priced, and US being a developed economy and India being a developing economy, sales going down in the US but going up in India would indicate the product penetration across geography is coming to an end. What happens in the US is bound to happen in India too, but with a time lag.

Well, that is Apple for you. It is seeing revenue decline for three quarters in a row.

When iPhones were launched around 15 years ago, citizens of the US queued up to buy them. And at that time, people in India barely had any idea what it would be like to hold it in their hands. That has changed now. Euphoria for Apple's products seem to be waning in the US, while India's consumers are still riding the wave. 

iPhones (& other Apple products as well) are luxury products. Mass market cannot afford them. So, what happened in the US - its sales reaching a saturation, would happen in India too. It is just a matter of time. Apple's product penetration seems to be in the final lap. And afterwards, it's sales decline would gather further steam. That seems to be the underlying trend.

Apple's founder and star marketer, Steve Jobs, died more than a decade ago. But his legend is not. The company he had built did well for many years even after his death, but how long this will go on? Apple has not launched any significant new product after Steve's death. While it did manage to upgrade its existing products, company's conference calls and management's interactions with the market appear dull. 

As markets change and consumers move on once in a while, can Apple continue to dominate the mobile market? We don't know what all things Apple has in its arsenal. Since Apple does not make bold announcements before it is ready, it is difficult to assume things. But the excitement of consumers is fading away and that is being reflected in sales topping out and declining slowly.

World's biggest company need to be watched what it does to remain in the top as it seems to be struggling there. That too when it does not have any real competition currently. But the danger is, new technologies (AI, AR/VR) coupled with a broader ecosystem of wide ranging players can take the market away from Apple. All second level players want to be Apple. They will easily gang up against Apple, by either coordinating with each other or making partnerships. 

Apple had killed many products and companies in the past which were ignorant of what Apple was developing. Now, if Apple does not act, tables might turn in due time.

Content Creators in the times of Chat GPT

Most schools conduct ‘Essay Writing’ competitions. And at the Graduate level, a student has to write Research Papers. Such activities needed visiting libraries, going through multiple books, magazines, content on the web, and any other form of available content, digest them, taking notes, summarize them and produce a new content in the form of a new essay or a paper. That would mean effort of few days to couple of weeks. Now in the times of practical AI, Chat GPT will do that for you in a matter of few seconds. Why only an essay, it can write a new book on your subject.

It is not limited to text content, there are AI applications which can create images, videos, sounds as well. Earlier movie making needed many diverse talents coming together such as song writer, music composer, singer, choreographer, director and many others in the backstage. Now there are apps for each of those functions. Even a sci-fi movie can produced on your laptop. Though it may appear like lacking human touch, those applications learnt from the earlier content created by human beings. So, they cannot be too off from human world of wonder and blunders.

 

Self-publishing created many new writers (not all of them were successful anyway). Similarly, with a smartphone and YouTube account any one can create short videos and share them with the world instantly. Not all of those content creators became superstars, but it threw open the opportunity to all. But with the new set of AI tools, you won’t need to be creative, as your computer with AI applications helps to give you an idea of what all can be done. It can be a supplement if you are creative, and it can be a substitute for those lacking creativity.

 

Now the innate human talents you have fail to give you the edge you had before these AI tools came into picture. New AI tool will lead to flood of content creation. In the coming days, there will be more writers than readers, more painters than who will hoard them, many movies without watchers.

 

An author researching for couple of years to write a book will become obsolete. People will not only stop searching on Google, they will stop buying any books on Amazon too. There is Chat GPT which will offer customized text for their need.

 

While Stephen Spielberg and Disney World might remain as influencers, their movies will stop becoming blockbuster hits. There will be million versions of Lion King movie being watched only by their creators.

 

Smartphones killed MP3 players, Digital Cameras, Pen Drives, Scanners, Pagers, Fax machines and many other devices. That happened in just a decade. Now new wave of AI applications will make content creators and related professions obsolete. They will make the artists who are digital savvy very powerful in the same time. Quite similar to what the past revolutions had done, they will make the lives of a common man much easier, improving productivity. And also leave those not participating in this revolution much poorer.

Rich people but fallen angels

What do you call a person with 3 wives and 10 kids? Well, that is Elon Musk for you. Going by Indian standards, he would be considered immoral, arrogant, against society’s values etc. But in the US (and all over the world too), he has a great fan following for many reasons. His technical skills, business skills and the wealth he has gathered because of them are not a point of discussion here. In India (or may be in few Asian countries), even if someone is extremely rich, marrying multiple times would not be acceptable. At least he is not considered a good person or a person to be looked up to. But the most advanced country in the world (US) does not seem to care about it.

Elon is not alone or just one exceptional case. Bill Gates another richest person in the world got divorced at such an old age. You would wonder why. His (former) wife surely had her own reasons which need not be expressed openly to everyone.

If you read biography of Steve Jobs, you would know that at first, he abandoned his first daughter, did not accept paternity only to accept it during final years of his life. But no one seems to pay attention to the blunders Steve Jobs had done to his family. He was and is still a legendary visionary this world has ever seen. He too has been embraced all over the world despite questionable values in his personal life.

In India, if someone is too rich and famous, people look at that person with wonder. But at the same time, if that person lives a personal life not acceptable to the larger society, he is criticized in the same breath he is praised. They would treat him like a fallen angel and not a person to be looked up to blindly.

Every society has its own values. What is acceptable in the US, need not be acceptable here. And at the same time, people of India might be seen as emotional fools by the people living in the US. Each to his own.

This problem would be a pain for the immigrants, who grew up in India but moved on to US for a better future. They would have better access to learning and employment opportunities. But they get wrong ideals for their kids. They just don’t see Elon Musk as only technically competent and rich guy but also as the one who had multiple affairs, who thinks liberally about marriage, and as a cool guy posing with different models every other year.

Well, everything comes at a cost. Give one to get one. 

Live Life, Not Work

This is in the backdrop of significant job cuts by tech majors. Those who have lost jobs are no doubt talented and they were chosen with a rigorous hiring process. But it is business that matters most for those companies letting go their employees now. For companies, it is better to downsize than go bankrupt. So, they asked some of their employees to leave. Some of the employees who got laid off were loyal to their employers, worked for years for them and did not think or do much beyond their job.

Now, it is not easy to find another job as the whole tech industry is seeing a downturn. Most of the tech companies are not hiring if not firing. So those who have lost jobs have to go to another industry where skills and compensation may not match. If they manage to get a job, it could be compromising on many fronts. It is a difficult situation. It leaves them confused and ponder what to do with their lives. While the severance packages given by their employers will help them stay afloat for couple of months, it does not heal the emotional damage.

Roots of this evil could be in our education system. Many High Schools (not PU colleges) prepare their students for entrance exams well in advance. This is when the students do not have any idea what they want to do with their lives. For those who get into prestigious educational institutions, FAANG (Facebook, Apple, Amazon, Netflix, Google) seem to be their best target. Just like horses with eye blinders they did not get to see the entirety and only when they are slapped with a layoff notice, they begin to introspect.

Whether these employees lived in the valley (in the US) or in Whitefield (in Bangalore), they must adjust to the new realities. When they were working on virtual reality technologies (like AR/VR), they had forgotten the real world around them. Truth is no tech company can offer a job for life. Experience one gets in tech sector may or may not be relevant outside of those companies. If they have burned out of their incomes with a lavish lifestyle (along with junk food), their future is in real trouble. What their employers indirectly told them was, take money as long as you are useful and get lost when the need ends. Now for those who have lost jobs, there is no money on the table.

It all comes to one liner philosophy. Live life, not work. That was basic. We needed jobs to lead our lives and not the other way around. Somewhere in the journey we were brainwashed and began to think work is life and associated our lives with our employers more than needed. We wore T-shirts with company logo, took the backpack which had company’s logo and their business motto. We flashed our business cards unnecessarily. We wore our LinkedIn profiles on our sleeves. Now, the mass layoffs from the wealthiest businesses in the world make us realize we lived illusionary lives, at least to some extent.

Working for our employers till retirement is not a plan we should pursue. If it happens fine but we need to have a backup plan. We need to introspect and like our employers have a business tagline, we also need to find a tagline for each one of us. Our jobs cannot decide our goals or fate of life. They are just our association and a means to life.

You might question me, what qualifies me to write this blog post? I am an employee for the last two decades. Though I have not worked for FAANG companies, but what happens there happens in the company I work for as well. I took time and slowly realized that I was on a treadmill, and I need to get off from it someday. I kept a ceiling on my expenses, started saving and investing the savings. So, there is some financial prudence. I picked up hobbies. And made friends outside of the industry I work for. I am thankful to my employer for keeping me on job and paying me well. But when the need arises to depart, I would do so happily without a second thought or regret. Even if they don’t ask me to leave, I would do a planned exit, before my retirement age (well, at least a decade before I hit 60).

I do not expect all my colleagues to agree with me. Each to his own. But the takeaway for everyone is written on the wall in bold letters. Live life, not work.

Breaking free from a trauma bond

You know somebody disrespects and abuses you. Though it does not seem rational, you keep going back to that person and the abuse cycle continues. That is because you have a bond with him/her. Not a healthy bond but a trauma bond. That creates an urge to go back to the evil person though you don’t like the experiences you will have to face. Any of your logical explanations do not work there. You want to be happy with him/her but cannot as his/her intentions are entirely different from yours. He/she will not miss any opportunity to make you feel worthless and sad. Despite your willingness to leave that person, you are not able to leave as trauma bond makes you go back to that person. How do you break free from this bond?

Knowing that you are trauma bonded to someone is itself a great self-awareness. Way out of this relation is not an easy task and it takes great effort and psychological maturity. But it is not an impossible task either. I am narrating my personal learnings here.

If someone insults you, your natural reaction is to confront that person or avoid him/her. You won’t give him/her another opportunity to mistreat you. But if someone treats you nicely, evoke good feelings, you begin to open up and trust that person. Once you are completely in, that friendly face disappears in your counterpart and the abuser surfaces. You get confused and think that it is one-off situation and show tolerance as you have respect for that person. Soon, he/she appear normal, and the friendly disposition is back. But it does not remain long. In the next phase, abuse becomes even more toxic and deeper. Now you are taken aback. The person you liked is gone. That was abuser in disguise. You keep longing for that good friend of yours and want those good feelings back. You keep going back to him/her only to be mistreated. You are trauma bonded. You have nicer memories but a difficult to digest reality.

Any dependencies on the abuser such as domestic help or financial support are easy to replace with. But it is the validation he/she gave you is the difficult part to replace and makes it hard to leave the abuser. He/she invested time in you in the beginning to understand you thoroughly, see what your motivations are and what moves you. You wanted to feel good about yourself. And your abuser made you feel good in the beginning. That good feeling is what you crave for again and again and you won’t get it from another person as a normal person would not go to extremes in either knowing you or abusing you unlike an abuser. You were attracted to abuser and became a fish caught in the hook. The person who made you feel good is making you feel sad now.

You might ask why the abuser behaves this way. Well, there are plenty of sadists around here and they gain happiness making other people sad. You might think they are smart people to devise such strategies and traps. But they are lazy bums and failed people who could not achieve anything significant in reality. That reality hurts them deeply. To get out of their own mental torture, they find a person who is doing better than them and turn into a failure. That gives them a relief and a self-validation.

We discussed how a normal person gets trapped and the inner working of an abuser. But how do you get out of the trauma bond with the abuser? Now you need to throw out your emotions, shut-off your empathy and invest time to learn about yourself and the abuser also. Why do you need validation from him/her? If you purse hobbies (read, write, sing, paint, travel etc.), you are likely to be happy with yourself and you would not need external validation. Rekindle your hobbies, play with kids or find an older person to spend time with. When you don’t need validation, you are close to winning. If there is an urge to meet your abuser, go for long walk, hit gym, take cold shower. Do everything else than meeting the abuser. If you want to avoid triggers, block that person on your phone and social media. If you are still weak hearted, try to remember the abusive episodes you went through with him/her or watch/listen to abusive recordings if you have any. Toughen up your will power to avoid him/her. It is painful in the beginning but as the dopamine in your brain is starved, urge to meet that person becomes less intense. In few weeks or months depending on how strong your trauma bond was, you won’t feel anything about that person. It is very similar to getting out of a bad habit.

When the abuser begins the next wave of saying good things to you, don’t avoid him/her. Rather smile at him/her and convey the message that you see him through, and you won’t need him/her anymore. Don’t say it through words but through your eyes and body language. The abuser gets the message quickly. He/she won’t care you and would not change for good either. Instead goes on looking for the next victim.

Thank God for sending the abuser into your life and teaching a valuable lesson. I was a happy person before meeting the abuser but less aware. Now I am both happy and aware.

(It took many months for me to get an upper hand over the abuser in my life. I feel good that it happened and now I don’t need external validation about myself. I smile at my abuser and my well-being is unharmed.)

Schindler’s List: A movie about humanity amidst war

In the same year of 1993, Jurassic Park, a movie directed by Steven Spielberg hit the screen, another movie Schindler’s List too came on screen by the same director. Unlike the former, it was no entertainer set in imagination but was based on the facts. You need a little bit of knowledge about second world war, atrocities of Hitler, situation in war hit Poland and 35 lakh Polish Jews killed during that time by SS Army to understand this movie better. This movie is not for weak hearted and sensitive people as it will shake their humanity to the core. Most of the movie is shot in Black and White. Scenes appear like in a documentary but has much drama in it. And some of them are not easy to digest.

This movie is about Oscar Schindler and the list of Jews he saved from the clutches of Hitler’s SS Army. Hitler never appears on screen, but his army men carry out his instructions throughout the movie, a bit brutally by sending droves of Jews to gas chambers to die. The protagonist manages to save a thousand of them from death.

Schindler is an industrialist and a politician. He is part of Hitler’s Nazi party. He has a wide network including SS Army officials and is an influential person. When SS Army captures Poland and begins to send thousands of civilian Jews to war concentration camps, Schindler manages to get a little more than thousand Jews prisoners giving a reason that they are skilled workers needed to run his factory. His factory does not need so many of them and it is a disguise to save their lives. Aman Goth, SS army official with a horrible psychic personality, knows about this. Though he randomly kills few and it is the influence of Schindler saves the lives of Jews.

There are many scenes which shows the cruelty adopted by SS Army and its commander Aman Goth. Lakhs of Jews lose their lives in Poland after their country loses battle to Hitler’s army. At the end, Russia’s Red Army wins the war against Hitler and they arrive at Krakow, a town where the movie is set. Schindler prepares to flee as he also belongs to Nazi party. And the people he saved, take out gold from a gold filled tooth and turn it to a ring and give it as a parting gift to Schindler. On the ring, it is written in Hebrew that “Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire”. Seeing that Schindler breaks down into tears and says he could have done better and saved few more Jews. And he escapes from the town in the midnight.

Next day morning, a soldier from Soviet arrives and says to the gathered Jews ‘You are liberated’. They all leave to a nearby town. Aman Goth gets hanged by Russian soldiers. In the last scene, the generations of people saved by Schindler arrives at his gravestone and offer their respect.

This movie is on the list of best movies created so far. If you are a history buff or a person moved by badass people who did not lose humanity despite the odds against them, you should not miss to watch it before you die. This movie is available on Netflix.

Whitefield traffic woes may soften in 2023

A sleeping village got transformed into a buzzing IT hub. That is Whitefield suburb in Bangalore. Two decades ago, there were farm houses here but today 20 to 30 lakhs people come here everyday for work. It is really difficult for anyone in town planning to do justice in their jobs when the growth rate is so high.

Those who work in Whitefield come from all parts of Bangalore. Naturally the roads were clogged and traffic jams became frequent and average speed dropped to 10-15 km per hour. I am both a contributor to the traffic mess here (I worked 18 out of my 20 years here) and also a victim of lost productivity, health loss due to pollution.

Metro, if it is in Bangalore, it has to come to Whitefield. Work started here too many years ago. But the civil construction occupied half of road space which were already congested making the traffic problem even worse. My office commute time increased from 45 mins (20 years ago) to at least 2 hours in one direction. It was one of the reasons I started looking for a job elsewhere and that helped me stay away from Whitefield for 2 years. But destiny brought me back to Whitefield. Thanks to Corona, I did not have to come to office for two straight years. And now, I come 1-2 times a week.

Things don't remain the same. Civil construction work of Metro is almost complete. So roads do not have barricades bearing the name "Namma Metro", so vehicles can move on much easily. It is such a relief. And when Metro begins operations sometime in 2023, it will take many vehicles off the road. And Whitefield will become like other parts of Bangalore. There will be traffic but you are not scared to come to Whitefield.

When the peripheral ring road comes into action (don't know how many years it will take), it would reduce big trucks coming this way.

But the real change is, IT as an industry is not growing like before. It has become just another industry. New jobs being created in Whitefield won't be astronomical. And there are lots of residential spaces being constructed around Whitefield, people can live here and don't have to go back to center of the town.

All these things would mean the traffic jams in Whitefield were more likely problems of yester years and a part of memory you would not want to recall.

(Photo taken from office window at ITPL, Whitefield showing Metro line passing through and residential spaces coming up at a distance)

The pain will end when you’ve learned its lesson

• Running away from issues won't solve them.
• What you resist, persists.
• Once you have learned the lessons, you can break patterns.
• Be grateful and let go.

Happy Birthday Warren!

I like Warren Buffett for many reasons. But his being wealthy is not one of them. 

The first reason I like him is for the wisdom he has. It is not easy and not possible for everyone to come out of natural human biases and acquire the wisdom and temperament he possesses.

The second one is for living so long. He has taken care of his health. Had he not lived this long, wealth creation through compounding would not have worked for him. Had he died in his 60s, he would neither be on the list of the world's richest nor he would be this famous.

The third one is for sharing his knowledge. Remember, he never gives any stock tips but he teaches you how to fish. He has created a cult of investors who follow his style of investing. His annual general meetings are a treasure trove closely followed by a huge fan following. You not only learn investing from him but many of life's lessons. And the only other guy who shares the stage with him, Charlie Munger is another person who would teach you many of life's lessons with his short sentences but they will be loaded one's. 

The fourth reason for liking Warren is for sharing his wealth. Most of his wealth goes back to underprivileged parts of society. And the wealth that would get redistributed would do wonders where it is deployed.

The fifth one is for being a motivation to many. He goes out to colleges to talk to young men. He offers lessons on how he has made it. Watching his videos has helped me immensely to improve my temperament and turn from a trader to an investor.

I wish Warren Buffett all the best on his birthday and also thank him for shaping the minds of many investors including me.

 

Goodbye, RJ!

He was known as Warren Buffett of India. While Warren is doing fine at 91, our own Rakesh Jhunjhunwala has passed away at 62.

He was trained to be Chartered Accountant but he found a way into equity markets. And he had a phenomenal success. From being just another guy to the 36th richest person in India makes a fantastic story. He had very sharp instincts to become a successful trader. That would have given him enough money to become a prudent long-term investor. It is not easy to put both hats of a trader and an investor on your head as they both require a completely different mindset. But RJ would do both at ease. Trading the opportunities in the market while sitting tight on investments believing that the Big Bull run in India has not started yet.

He has been an inspiration to many including me. Though I never followed his investments or style, I always looked up to him for his assessment of the economy, markets, valuations, changing trends, etc. He was never dual-minded. He had such a clarity of thought. Probably that gave him the convictions on his investments.

Though he made billions, he seems to have not done well on the health part. Had he lived longer, he would have done a greater service in bringing rationality to financial markets through his views and probably some social service through charity as well. 

Time is up. Goodbye, RJ!

Life hacks against a narcissist

I do not have the luxury of going "No Contact" as I have kids with my narcissist.  Boundary of any form does not work as she draws sadistic pleasure in destroying those boundaries. Despite such odds, few things have worked well for me:

1. No dependence: I don't depend on my narcissistic partner for any of my stuff. I do things myself.

2. Minimum communication: For kids' sake, we need to communicate but I will keep it to a bare minimum with "Yes" or "No" replies. I neither initiate any discussion nor share my opinions with her.

3. "Same to you" reply for insults: If she tries to insult me, I will respond to it with a "Same to you" reply. If she accuses my parents, again I will say "Same to your parents" and end the conversation there. Tolerating abuse will encourage the narcissist to step up the game. And going into a lengthy argument with them is a waste of time.

4. "I don't trust you" to shut her off: If she tries to advise me or pulls me into a new game, I will just say "I don't trust you" and refuse to engage further. That shuts her off from extending the game.

5. Bring in witnesses: When she throws temper tantrums, I will call people nearby to become witnesses for the drama. Narcissists are scared of their masks falling off. So they will become normal again in no time. If there is no one available nearby, I will video record the drama on my cell phone without responding to her provocations. Narcissists don't want evidence created against them. That ensures drama comes to an end quickly.

6. Proactively guard my reputation: Narcisissts one or the other day will attempt to damage your reputation by spreading false information and making themselves a victim. So I proactively speak to people I care about such a possibility that ensures the smear campaign of the narcissist will not have the desired impact.

7. "Say Nice try" when gaslighted: When she attempts to gaslight me, I will say "Nice try" and smile calmly looking into her eyes. She understands that I see through her and her attempt to manipulate me fails miserably.

8. Meet flying monkeys with your supporters: I refuse to talk and walk away from the flying monkeys sent by the narcissist. I will face them only when I have people who support me are there for a countermeasure. That avoids bullying attempts by the flying monkeys.

Living with a narcissist is a pain. If you let them take control, your life would become miserable. It is better to manage them to keep the damage to a minimum. Meanwhile, don't forget to spend time away from the narcissist in the company of people you like to recharge your batteries. Keeping the energy drain from the narcissist to a minimum helps us survive and thrive.