Long way to the top but a short trip to the irrelevance

Ten years ago, it would have been impossible to get an appointment with Dr. Manmohan Singh, the then Prime Minister of India. He had an illustrious career of many decades, from working as an Economics professor to serving United Nations to Governor of RBI to Deputy Chairman of Planning Commission to Finance Minister and finally a Prime Minister for two terms. He left PM’s office in 2014 but in less than a decade, no media of current times covers him or remembers him. Though he is 90 years old, he may have valuable advice to offer but everyone is an economist these days. While leaving his office he anticipated history will be kind to him. History not only has forgotten to be kinder to him but seems to have forgotten him entirely.

Shah Rukh Khan was known as King Khan or Badshah of Bollywood. His films were box-office hits. He had ruled the filmland for many years. But times have changed. His romance does not charm anyone anymore. There are new guys in the town. The tunes to which they sing, and dance have become different too.

400 years ago, Shah Jahan (Emperor of the World) was busy fighting wars, amassing wealth, building Taj Mahal, and finding jewels for his Peacock throne. All of it came to a sudden end as he was home jailed by his son. When he had nothing else to do, did he think about how difficult it was to survive at the top?

Whether it was in the past or present, and whatever the profession is, be it a King, a politician, a movie star, or a sportsman they all had toiled to get to the top and had a tough time surviving at the top. Fighting the contenders, and reinventing themselves to stay relevant is hard work, even for Stalin or Hitler. That includes Napoleon, a master strategist, who had to accept the defeat in the end.

One common thing to note from all these instances is that it is a long way to the top which takes many decades of hard work. Staying there is even more challenging. But sliding down to irrelevance is a short trip. Trust gained over many years can be destroyed with a single wrong move. Empires that had survived for centuries were destroyed in a single day with a loss in the war. Same with the money too. Earnings of decades can be lost in little or no time. Embrace success but stay humble as success is transient.

Picture Credit: Vishal Khandelwal

Survival of the kindest

In a podcast, Dacher Keltner mentioned “Survival of the kindest” and attributed it to Charles Darwin as the proposer of this idea. I was drawn to this thought and wanted to explore it further. Here is what I have learned. 

Not the strongest but the fittest survive

We all know Charles Darwin and learned in school about him. Human beings are weaker in comparison to a Tiger, a Bison, or an Elephant and have no chance of survival in a one-to-one fight. But humans made weapons, used fire to their advantage, cooperated with other human beings to take on animals lot bigger than them, and climbed the evolution ladder expanding their population. Cooperation can kill competition. That is the essence.

Gratitude is at the root

Before we get into understanding kindness, we need to understand gratitude and compassion. Though human beings no more live in the wild, we still struggle to survive or we think so. The issues we face have become different. Most of the issues we face are not struggles for survival. They are not needs (like food, water, shelter) which are essential for survival but desires (like wealth, power, fame) of wanting more. So, when a person is in a struggle, he gets tired of stress and anxiety. But look at those who have fewer complaints about life and have more gratitude. They thank God every day for food on their plate or a roof over their head. They have a positive approach to life. They have little or no stress and are much happier in life. They are the fittest to survive.

Compassion

Tiger cubs when they lose their mother hardly have any chances of survival in the jungle. That is because Tigers live alone. Think of Deer and Monkeys who live in a pack. These animals have compassion and care for each other. They alarm each other and help raise each other’s kids. That helps those species beat the game of evolution. Same thing with human beings. If you have a support group who cares for you, you are likely to face struggles with ease and would do better.

Kindness

Apart from gratitude and compassion, a kind person is selfless and unconditional. It does not mean they don’t fight for their survival. They will have strong boundaries with narcissists who want to misuse kind people. Knowing who to be kind to is a necessary skill too. With all that in place, kind persons not only do well with their own survival but help others do better too. They uplift the weak and provide them with a better playground. That is what Shivakumar Swamiji of Tumkur Siddaganga Mutt did. He helped many thousands survive and do better. 

Kind people not just survive but help the survival of their species. You don’t find them in the animal kingdom. They make humans the best species for survival.

Children of super-rich yet uneasy lives

Who does not want to be a son or daughter of a billionaire? It turns out that all of them are not spoilt kids of rich parents. Few of them have uneasy lives too. Read on to find out who they are.

Meet Peter Buffett. He is the youngest of Warren Buffet’s three children. Well, who does not know Warren Buffett, one of the richest persons in the world? Do you know when Peter found out that his father was a wealthy person? Only after he had turned 25. Such was his upbringing, a very normal one. Nothing like that of a rich family flashing their wealth as they show in the movies. Neither Peter nor his siblings got into their father’s business. Instead, they chose to do what they like. It was their father’s advice too. All three of Warren Buffett’s kids got a billion dollars each, not to spend on themselves but to spend on others through philanthropy. Warren Buffet has donated 85% of his wealth to the Gates foundation. Peter Buffet does not mind what his father does with his wealth. He is a musician, and he earns decent money but that is nothing compared to what his legendary father earns. He would have been seen as a successful musician had he not been a son of Warren. The shadow of his father is too dark and his achievements as a musician won't shine bright.

(Reference: Podcast episode ‘Growing Up Buffett’ on Freakonomics Radio)

Steve Jobs was a legend. He made smartphones an indispensable part of our lives. The company he built, Apple, is the largest company in the world in financial terms. More than the accumulation of wealth, Steve Jobs was known for his innovation, marketing skills, and ability to disrupt industry and markets. A very successful person indeed. But how about his personal life? If you happened to read his biography, you would have observed that he was an eccentric person, and not known to have good relationships with people. If you read the book ‘Small Fry’ written by Lisa Brennan-Jobs, you will not only wonder why Steve Jobs had such a complex personality and your respect for him would fade as well (at least it happened to me). Lisa was born to Steve Jobs and his girlfriend Chrisann Brennan. They were separated before Lisa was born. Steve Jobs did not accept Lisa as his daughter and denied his paternity for many years only to accept it and reconcile during the final years of his life. Lisa was brought up by a single parent, her mother, who had to support her by cleaning houses. Lisa in her memoir ‘Small Fry’ has documented the difficulties of her childhood and the complex relationship she had with her father. What use is an apology by a great father on his deathbed? But that is what Lisa had in her fate. 

(Reference: 'Small Fry' book by Lisa Jobs)

Left: Warren Buffet and Peter Buffett; Right: Lisa with her father Steve Jobs

Movie Review: A Beautiful Mind

It is a twenty-year-old movie. My previous attempts to read the book and watch the movie did not go well as I did not find it interesting. But things fell into place now. I could not only make sense of the movie this time but awed by it.

 

John Nash arrives at Princeton with a scholarship to study mathematics. He is good at numbers but not so with people. One of his students, Alicia, falls in love with John and they get married. John’s talent for numbers attracts unusual attention. He gets involved with defense to help them in decoding Russian plots. As the situation turns violent, he decides not to continue with the project.

 

But soon he is chased by a psychiatrist and his assistants who admit him to a hospital. There he is diagnosed for a mental illness – schizophrenia. His work for a defense project was a hallucination. And three people he sees often are present only in his illusions. He is put on medication. Refusing to take the prescribed drugs, his situation becomes worse. But he slowly accepts his illusions and begins his attempts to put a distance between those three people who haunts him in his imagination.

 

John goes back to Princeton and his friend gives him a job to work from library. John though still sees those three people from his imagination, succeeds in ignoring them. He is given teaching responsibilities too in the University. Many years later he gets awarded a Nobel Prize for his work in Mathematics.

 

There is not anything beautiful in the movie. John’s mind is not beautiful but a mad one. But the support he gets from his wife is extraordinary. His illusions appear so real so his struggle to get through it too was an uphill task. 

The world of people suffering from mental illness is hard to imagine for ordinary one's. And that gap can be bridged by watching this movie. What damages hallucinations bring to a person can be well understood from this movie. While I was watching this movie, John’s hallucinations became mine too. So good is the performance of lead actor Russel Crowe.

Minimalism and Forrest Gump

I could put my Netflix subscription to good use this weekend. I watched a documentary ‘Minimalism’ and a movie ‘Forrest Gump’.

 

Minimalism

First about Minimalism. Everyone wants a thing or two. A house, a car, that nice dress, a pair of shoes, the nice jacket in which you would look like a hero, a goggle that would make you appear cool, a washing machine to help you at home, an air conditioner to take off your body heat, nice mattress to put you into sleep and so on. There is no end to what we wish to have. With each thing we assume our life will become better. Once we have it, our attention moves on to the next thing. Possessing them become the objective of our lives. It goes on and on. We never become satisfied consumers. We go on to think consumption indicates how well we are faring in our lives. 

What if all our understanding was wrong? A day might come (in this life or next) which would make you realize you had enough. Then you don’t want to have two dozen T-Shirts, 8 pairs of shoes, 3 cars, 2 holiday homes. You want to dispose them or donate them or sell them off to lead a simple life of minimalism. And there are many who are doing this already. They can fit all their belongings into a briefcase and just live off with it and liking it too. Well, that would cause immense injury to the economy of the world. But being happy and content should matter more than economy.

Watching this documentary reinforced my belief of less is more. I am a minimalist in my own way but have shortfalls too. I have already cleared my wardrobe, and also reduced my hoarding of books. But there are many actions I need to take yet. Watching this documentary may or may not lead you to minimalism but can at least ring a warning bell to relook at your life of hoarding things.

 

Forrest Gump

Forrest Gump, a Tom Hanks starrer, is a 1994 movie. But my fate had it to watch it now. Protagonist of this movie, Forrest Gump, is a hard to believe character. A kind of mentally challenged person and a complete innocent too. He has only one friend, Jennie, in his childhood. Despite his shortfall to live a normal life, wild circumstances make him get a college degree, become a sportsman, join military, and fight Vietnam war. There he makes friends who look uncommon too. He gets a medal for his war services and is eventually discharged from the duty and returns home. 

All these times there was only one person on his mind, Jennie, his childhood friend who took a different path in life. When he meets her, he expresses his love and intention to marry but she knows Forrest is an immature person and she does not agree. But their lives go on interweaving but on and off. Forrest goes on to buy a boat to fish shrimps as he had promised to his friend during the times of war. He becomes a rich person. And Jennie comes back into his life only to go missing again. Forrest confused in his life runs across the country for years attracting public attention. He gets tired and returns home. 

Again, he gets to meet Jenny and he learns that she has become a mother to his kid. This time she marries Forrest, but time is not on her side. She is sick and dies soon. In the last scene of the movie, Forrest is left with young son as life companion and a flying white feather in the scene symbolizes randomness of life. 

While it is hard to believe a person like Forrest Gump would exist in real life, a part of him is inside everyone of us. That is why he touches our hearts, and the movie has remained relevant and worth watching.

How credentials got swapped between Mysore and Bangalore?

How Bangalore overtook Mysore and became a place of action?

Bangalore is a political hub. It is also a center of trade, commerce, and industrial activities. It provides employment to millions of people. And the people living here find Mysore as their favorite getaway to spend their weekends and summer vacations. A century ago, things were exactly opposite, vice versa. Here is my perspective of what and how it happened.

Bangalore was just a summer getaway

From 16th to 19th centuries, Mysore province was ruled by The Wadiyar’s. Mysore was where they lived and the town had remained the center of plotical, commercial and cultural activities. When the Wadiyar family wanted to escape summer heat, they would go to the village of Bangalore where they had built a palace with a 500 acres of plush green campus around it. It is at the heart of today's Bangalore. Why did they chose Bangalore? Because of its high altitude, numerous lakes and consistent rain fall, Bangalore was a cool and comfortable place to spend the summer. Tipu Sultan who had ruled Mysore for a brief period too had built a summer palace for himself in Bangalore. It is situated near KR market. Bangalore remained that way for centuries. Mysore was the center of political action and Bangalore, a place to rest. A town, rather a sleepy village, buillt by Kempegouda in the 15th centrury continued to remain so for a long time.

First spark of change and Industrial revolution

In the 19th century when The British came into widespread action, they made cool Bangalore their home. That was the first spark of change. They built a red-painted building for administration (today’s High Court building). They had a Cantonment nearby housing their army. They have left numerous traces of influences in the development of Bangalore. Sir Mark Cubbon for the Cubbon Park, Richard Sankey for Sankey Tank, Lord Mayo for the Mayo Hall and so on.

After independence, leaders of independent India wanted to rule from the same premises The British operated from. That made Bangalore the political power center. And it gained an edge over the role Mysore had played till then. Then it was Industrial revolution that pushed Bangalore to the lead position. Many PSU’s like HAL, ISRO, NAL, ITI, BHEL, NGEF, HMT, BEML found a place in Bangalore turning it into a industrial hub and attracted huge workforce in the form of migrant population. This growing population caused service industry expansion. Many schools, colleges, hospitals, hotels got built in a hurry further expanding the horizon and attractiveness of Bangalore. This large population needed entertainment. Two stadiums got built to promote sports. During the same time, Kannada Film Industry (aka Sandalwood) took roots in Bangalore. During all these years, Mysore’s growth was tepid, and it remained a slow town in comparison.

Silicon Valley of India

Factors driving growth of Bangalore were all insignificant in comparison to what was to come later. Availability of engineering talent made Bangalore IT hub, Silicon Valley of India. Bangalore’s geography started busting at seams and it had to expand in all directions dissolving many villages in it and became "Brihat Bengaluru". And by then, there was no comparison between Bangalore and Mysore. Bangalore was many times bigger already. Higher income residents of Bangalore would go all around for their vacations and Mysore got turned into a tourist spot and it’s political and economic prominence was to be slowly forgotten. Initially what was Mysore’s loss became Bangalore’s gain but not anymore as people from Mysore found employment in Bangalore and travelers from Bangalore boosted the economy of Mysore. Table was turned around completely and the credentials of Bangalore being a vacation spot during the times of Wadiyar’s got swapped with Mysore of current times. This transformation took multiple decades to happen.

History rhymes

If you learn history without emotions, you will understand this is how history has always worked. Place of attraction can’t remain the same. Where is Alexander’s Macedonia now? Rome is no more a happening place. So was the capital of mighty Vijayanagara kingdom of South India. It gave way to the rise of Mysore province. And Bangalore stole it from Mysore. Can Bangalore also lose its importance in future? Why not? But not in a hurry. These transformations take many decades to happen. Until then you and I have to cope with the traffic here.

Next transformation would be decentralization

I think the next transformation would not make one place the center of power, but it would rather be decentralized. Internet is changing the way we live and reducing geographical importance. For example, you don’t have to go to a big town for higher education, online universities are coming up fast. They would become efficient too in near future. You don’t have to visit a mall but can order a new gadget on Amazon and get it delivered to any corner of the country. We don’t visit insurance office for renewal anymore, right? Government complexes can slowly be replaced with offices on the cloud. These things will reduce the concentration of political power and trade and turn nation into a decentralized economy.

You can say there are many things which can’t be moved to internet or other physical places. I agree with you. To visit Chamundi hills or Mysore palace, you still have to go to Mysore. But what about Mysore Silk, Mysore Pak, and Mysore Sandal Soap? They can be manufactured outside Mysore as well. Similarly, work from home can send back many IT employees from Bangalore to their hometowns. Manufacturing industry can be relocated away from Bangalore and Airports can be built in other towns as well. That would take the shine away from Bangalore. Bangalore too would reach its peak in the coming years and then slide away. That could be fifty or hundred years away. But it is more likely to happen later than not happen at all.

We evolved and continue to evolve. Nothing is cast in stone.

Mysore Palace and Vidhana Soudha in Bangalore (Picture Credit: Wikipedia)

Remembering my mother who is no more

I went through many Facebook posts and Whatsapp status of friends with photos of their mothers  on the occasion of Mother's day. I not only resonate with them for their love to their mothers, but I also regret my loss. Coincidentally it was the month of May which took my mother away three years ago.

 

I was not the only child to my mother. She had five of them. I was not the eldest who was her favorite. I was not the youngest with whom she had highest tolerance. Naturally her focus and time had to be rationed among her children. Some of my upbringing tasks were shared by my elder sister and grandmother. In my early childhood, I don’t remember running into my mother for every need. She had many things to do and there were many helping hands in the house to share the burden. It was a collective upbringing. I don’t remember her likes or whims in those years.

 

As the years passed on, during my high school days, I began to understand the power of my mother. Our family that time was barely able to meet the needs of all the family members. Compared to today’s standards, we were poor. That is when I began to notice the role of my mother in running the family and putting her children’s needs above her’s. You can say all mothers do it. But there was a difference. My father’s contributions to shouldering the responsibility of family were not encouraging. It was left to my mother to run the show. I am not sure if it was in her personality or circumstances had made her so, my mother had a very wide social network. Her reputation and knack to garner support made our family machinery run smooth. I don’t remember any relative turning down my mother’s request for help. She too was there for them in the needy times. She was privy to many of our relative’s closest matters. She knew everything happened in those families and she would be there on every occasion. And in turn, I and my siblings would receive the affection among our relatives for being children of my mother.

 

I had given my first salary to my mother and had asked to buy a silk saree for herself. I learnt later that she had used it for family expenditure. I knew my mother was like a hub in the wheel for my family. Though I would support her as needed, I was also thinking I had the right to argue with her. She had her favorite and it was not me. And I would not agree with some of her decisions. Any effort of convincing would not change her mind. And there were times she was there with me with her full support. She had full faith in my abilities and there was never a moment of doubt. I was a star in her eyes. And she believed that I am a person to rely on in the difficult times. She hoped and wished I would achieve a lot more in life.

 

When I learnt of my mother’s death, it was difficult for me believe or digest it for many months to come. It was so sudden. The number of people who had come to pay her last respect mesmerized me. She had touched so many people’s lives. She had not much to offer than words of comfort and solace. But that was enough for her network. Everyone won’t need food or money but a shoulder to cry on and the words of courage to get through difficult times.

 

It never occurred to me that I would lose her. After losing the person who was proud of me, I realize my failure to accept her weaknesses. I always saw her as my mother but not as an individual with her own life motives. I am ashamed of my arguments with her. She would have taken no time to forgive me if she was alive. Surely, I would have done better. I pray for her departed soul. There are invaluable teachings she has instilled in me. Her memory gives me strength to face hardships of life.

Financially freedom is the goal (and not wealth creation)

Financial freedom is not any new concept, but many Indians fail to understand what it is meant for, so they have no appreciation for such a thought. They think it is ok for those who are born rich but not for the common people to live like that. They believe we all need to work and accumulate as much money as possible until death or retirement age hits us. In a country where majority live in middle-class or poor societies, aspiration for wealth is not a surprise for anyone.

In the Western countries, there are many who pursue hobbies and put life first over accumulating wealth. Money is just a means for them and not the whole purpose of living. Read newspapers and journals produced in America, mentions of people retiring early are quite common. And surprisingly, there are mentions of few who have managed to achieve financial freedom at the age of 35. Dig into the details, you will find that they were not born rich. Those lucky people had no windfall gains either. But they had managed to keep their expenses low and saved enough to pay for their future expenses which were not exorbitant either. Trick is in keeping their wealth expectations low and that ensures you don’t need to work for lifetime. Financial freedom is the goal for them and not wealth creation. Once they achieve it, they have all the time in the world to do what they liked to do. Be it travel, writing, painting, or just retire to calm places.

Pursuit of making money by finding a paying work makes us relocate to far-off places. We loose our roots and embrace a completely different approach to life. And the competition with fellow human beings makes our goals being revised to even higher goals. Without noticing, we get drawn into the vicious competition of accumulating wealth and fall prey to it. Life goes on. When someone we know retires early, we tend to think that person has low ambitions and dismiss him as a loser. But who are we to judge what is right for him?

 

Money will solve all money problems. But beyond a point, law of diminishing marginal utility comes into play. Should not we be questioning ourselves what we wanted to do with the wealth we accumulate? If we wanted to pursue a hobby which makes us happy and if it is not expensive, then why create higher wealth goals? We need a house to live, money to educate our children and for other household expenses including medial care. They are all our needs. Beyond them everything else is greed. That luxury car we wanted to buy, a vast farmhouse we wanted to buid, expensive lifestyle etc. are not our needs. They are signals we use to show society we are doing better than them. If we can draw a clear line between need and greed and be happy with meeting the needs and don't care for the pecking order of society, major battle is won. And achieving financial freedom becomes just a matter of time.

 

I had decided couple of years ago to get out of corporate race and had put a plan in place. That worked well and now I am on the verge of financial freedom. My challenge now is not money but convincing the near and dear one’s that this can work. Most of them don’t seem to agree with me as there are not many examples of it in our society. It is not my problem. I would rather become the first example to the people who know me. Sooner than later, I would quietly disengage from corporate race and spend that time doing what I like most. Don't tell me I did not tell you all of this. I would rather prefer to talk with you on literature, travel and my other engagements.

Surviving the Psychological Warfare

There was Dara Shukoh, prince of Mughal Kingdom, son of emperor Shah Jahan. He was designated to take the throne after his father. He was well versed with religion, philosophy, and many other subjects. He had built a library in Kashmir, a first of its kind. He was well known for his kindness and wisdom. He was a well-rounded personality liked by his people. But he lacked one important skill – fighting the war. And his younger brother Aurangzeb excelled at it while he lacked Dara Shukoh’s knowledge, wisdom, and calmness. When the war began between brothers, Dara Shukoh had to flee the war field, but he was soon caught and brutally killed by Aurangzeb. History thus taught us one important lesson: If you don’t have survival skills, all other skills, knowledge, and poise do not matter. They won’t help you survive. You are killed and forgotten.

 

In today’s world, we face more psychological warfare’s than the physical one’s. So instead of sharpening the physical weapons, we need to train our mind and senses to identify the abusers and defend ourselves. My recent experience was with a small group of abusers who wanted to manipulate me for their own benefit. Here is what my manipulators were doing.

• There were heap of lies and false accusations. They were fighting as a group and managed to keep it in private. If they were caught in logical argument, they would deny that they had lied, or such an incident ever had happened. If you produced proofs, they would further argue that that is not what they intended and in turn accuse me of understanding them wrongly.
• They never took accountability for their actions. All the blames were passed to me. And they would continue to distort facts and badmouth, creating a sympathy for themselves while portraying me as the person troubling them. But in private they were aggressive and manipulating.

After going through intense pain, I began to observe same trends repeating all over again and again. Soon I could understand their games. And thanks to Google and many people who had shared their similar experiences. I learnt that narcissism is for real. Then I began to make few changes to my ways when I encountered my manipulators again.

 

• Expose: I began to expose them and their tantrums with a slightly larger audience. It was no more secret and private. And it made the manipulators to work hard on their part.
• Make them aware of consequences: Rather than pleasing them, I too took an aggressive path and invited them for a fight, be it legal or an escalated physical aggression. And I made it clear to them that I was aware of all their lies. I had ample proofs to fight a legal war with them and also has the necessary support needed to endure a physical fight as well.
• Bring in supporters: I brought in my group of supporters too which conveyed them a message that I am not alone. I too got emotional support and practical advices in beating my abusers in their own game.

Surprisingly I learnt that the moral discussions could not help but things like exposing them, inviting them for an open war and bringing in supporters did help. They are withdrawing and calling for peace now as they are more worried about their loss. They understood they are fighting a losing battle and they misjudged their target. These abusers with a moral mask were shattered and they were made come to terms by turning the tables on them.

 

I wish Dara Shukoh had learnt battle skills along with those what he was praised for. Had he done so, India would have got a better emperor than Aurangzeb. But it did not turn out that way. That is history now. If we don't learn form history, it keeps repeating all over. We need to keep sharpening our fighting skills to survive. Just being moral won’t help.

The Satanic world of Narcissists

Definition

Google searches define a narcissist as a person who is self-centered, lies easily to put others in pain, lacks empathy and emotionally blackmail others regularly. They are well known for manipulating the facts to their advantage. They do not accept any accountability for themselves and pass on the entire blame to the other party. More the pain their victims go through, higher the satisfaction the narcissist gets. They just suck the spirit out of their victims by causing fear and guilt in them.

 

Tactics they employ

One of the major methods they employ is gaslighting. An example of this would be a narcissist doing something abusive and then denying it happened. Narcissist may also convince their victims that they're too sensitive or think too much to instill self-doubt in them.

 

They are also aided with flying monkeys. These flying monkeys are the people who take side of the narcissists. They do not give a hearing to the other party and jump into argument with the victim to support the objective of the narcissist. This is the trick narcissists employ to confuse the victims that their thinking is wrong and make them yield.

 

Narcissist set a trap creating anger in the victims by getting into arguments with them, make their victims lose emotional control and say unwanted things and use it later for their advantage. They instill guilt in their victims and play it repeatedly to emotionally crush the souls of their victims.

 

Identification and Defense

The irony is it is not easy to spot a narcissist. They look normal and fair people to the outside world. Only after someone goes through the emotional abuse by the narcissist, he/she can identify him or her. Any of your efforts to change him/her or make him aware of his/her personality disorder will only make things worse. Narcissists never admit any of their mistakes and skillfully pass it to the other party.

 

Though you spotted a narcissist after going through the emotional abuse, you need to quickly set-up boundaries as a defense, both physical and emotional. You should take care not to divulge with any sensitive information with them. Avoid arguments with them and don't try to explain. Just remain calm and emotionally stable to break their game. Even when they change their tactics, you should not fall for them. Most importantly, you should not lose self-confidence in you and move on your life leaving them behind.

 

Summary

It would be painful if the narcissist is a close family member but there is not much option left for you. They are unlikely to change for their life. And for those narcissists outside of your family, you should know that they exist, become aware of their characteristics and intentions as early as possible, and get out of their way at the first instance. You should be nice to everyone but should not give them opportunity to abuse. If it becomes unavoidable, you should use their own tactics on them and make them leave you.

 

This quote summarizes it in a sentence:

Love everybody but never sell your sword

Nine Unknown Men of Ashoka

We are aware of the 8 jewels in the court of Srikrishnadevaraya. Akbar and Vikramaditya had ‘Navaratna’ – nine gems in their courts. All of that is documented in history. But the secret organization of 9 men built by King Ashoka is not documented anywhere. We can’t say for sure if it was a plain myth or such an attempt was made by the king who was known for his reputation for nation building. Let us look at some information available.

Myth says, these 9 men had responsibilities for developing nine different fields of science and sociology, preserving them, and ensuring they don’t fall into wrong hands. These nine men before their retirement had to pass on their work and responsibilities to the newly recruited men who would remain anonymous and continue their work. It was designed to be secretive and never ending.

Look on the internet, you will find many novels written about these nine men and interestingly most of those authors are non-Indians. There are several videos and short movies made on these nine men asking us to believe that they exist and operate even today.

One of the videos describes the nine streams which the secret organizations worked on were:

1. Propaganda (Including Psychological Warfare)

2. Physiology (Skills like how to kill a person by touching nerve pulse)

3. Microbiology (Developing vaccines)

4. Alchemy (Transmutation of metals)

5. Communication (With other members of space, cosmos)

6. Gravity (Building anti-gravity flying machines)

7. Cosmogony (Secrets of Universe and time travel)

8. Light (Changing speed of light to use it as a weapon)

9. Sociology (Create, nurture, and destroy civilizations)

These nine fields would be of interest to any dictator in today’s world. Most of the scientific research in the modern world is going on in these streams only. We know King Ashoka was ambitious but was it possible for him and his 9 men to have the understanding that these streams would gain prominence with the advancement of civilization?

All of Ashoka’s edicts convey that he was a peace-lover, but they don’t give any clues about his nine men. I went through multiple biographies of Ashoka and the history of contemporary people lived in his time, there are no slightest evidences that he had either dreamed of this secret organization or worked towards it. Well, you can ask if it was meant to be secretive, why would they leave traces of it? Agree, but look at what happened after Ashoka. The Maurya kingdom itself fell soon after the demise of Ashoka. His grandson was the only successor to Ashoka who died in a battlefield and with that most of Ashoka’s work too fell on the wayside. Was it bad luck of these nine men who could not prevent downfall of their master's works? Do you think they tried but failed? Or is it safe to say, they chose to distance themselves but continued their work?

My opinion is, though King Ashoka’s work was admired by most, it is unlikely that he had built such an organization. My heart wishes he had the vision to build such a thing. That would have helped India and the global population advance at a rapid pace and peacefully as well. But the fact is, there are no gatekeepers to science or knowledge of any subject. Looking at how advancement of science has been used for war and destructions, the purpose of nine men and that of Ashoka has been defeated throughout the history which renders that these nine men were nothing but an impressive fiction. Even if they existed, they were not successful in their mission.

Shortness of life

A cousin of mine, 7 years younger than me, who was in prime health died suddenly and unexpectedly yesterday. Though I don't know for sure if he had any undetected health issues but there were no visible signs of it. I feel a great loss losing such a gentle younger brother. The pain his wife and parents are going through can't be described in words. The person they invested in and cared for so long, was gone in no time. 

If this can happen to him, it can happen to anybody. When death strikes, one will not have time to say goodbye to even his loved ones. Such is shortness of life. But when we are alive, we behave like we are going to be here forever and make very long term plans but what is in store for us we are not sure. Life poses such an uncertainty too. What we need to realize is, life may not give us any options when it is time to end our story. But when there are options, we can choose wisely and live life as we aspired to rather than postponing it for another day.

I pray to God to bless my cousin so that his soul rests in peace. And also I pray to God bless us to realize what is important to us in our lives before the shortness of life ends it.

Elevating our perspectives

Next time when you meet a kid in the neighborhood, praise him (or her) that he (or she) is good at Math or Drawing. It does not matter he was good at it before or not, but now he wants to be. That is the power of praise.

Let us say you are among a group of friends or relatives. One of them challenges you saying you can’t achieve some thing. Your ego will be set on fire. You will focus all your energies on proving him wrong. Criticism can be a wonderful motivation too.

Take a step back and reflect. Both praise and criticism are external stimulants to which we react. But we can’t go on pleasing others around us, we would be tired soon. Similarly, we can’t go on proving all our opponents wrong. Our lives would become purposeless. Instead we need to be guided from our inner desire to achieve something.

Gandhi was undeterred by sarcasm of The British. Gandhi was just an example. Thomas Alva Edison was unfazed by his series of failures. Alexander the Great did not have a single moment of self-doubt. Praise him or criticize him, Buddha would smile, always. History is full of such personalities. All of them had one common thing. Clarity of thought and knowing what they wanted to achieve in their lives.

How does one get clarity? Wider the options you keep for yourself, the more confused you will be. Reject your thoughts based on their merit and retain only few that appeals to you most. Then it would become easy to focus and pursue. Some might get there by deductive thinking. Forcibly filter your ideas of life until you are left with actionable few. Repeat and revalidate until you are left with clear objectives. If you are struggling, meditation can help. It steadies your body, slows down your breathing, calms your nerves and then gradually rejects your thoughts. It produces clarity.

Once you have clarity, your life will become a meditation. Then you know what you want from life. When that becomes driving force, praise or criticism will fall on your wayside. Your elevated perspectives help you overcome shortsightedness, distractions and how others measure you. Clarity also gives you patience on your path towards your objectives.

Esteem Needs: Becoming Rich, Famous and Powerful

Take a look at Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. The one step before you reach self-actualization is the Esteem needs. I would like to focus on it in this blog post. Three desires or needs to become Rich (financial strength, freedom), Famous (recognition) and Powerful (respect, status) shape your self-esteem.

 

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

It does not matter which part of the world you belong to or what your religion is or whether you are young or old, if you are a human being, you are driven by the desire of becoming “rich, famous and powerful”. Definition of becoming rich is gathering more wealth than you currently possess (and not to become wealthiest person of the world). Similarly, becoming famous can be known well in your own circles. Becoming powerful would mean expanding your control and influence beyond your own family and community to bigger span of things.

There are few who work on all three desires simultaneously. But there are many who would prioritize one among these three and you can easily spot them by the professions they choose. Those who chose to be wealthy (over fame and power) are likely to be found in business or trade. Those who want to be famous first are attracted to movie industry or sports. Those who prefer power, you will see them in key Govt jobs, politics or in the dreaded underworld.

You can say this theory is rubbish. But read little further before you conclude. Hippies who wander throughout the world do not want to conform to anything. They don’t want to become someone or something. When people started asking the reasons for this behavior, one hippie gave such a pleasing response, people started listening to him and he was sought after. He started becoming rich, famous and influential. See, that is what he wanted to avoid in the first place. Though he appeared rebel in the beginning, becoming rich or famous was driving him unconsciously. Better acknowledge these desires before they express themselves.

No matter where you start, your inclination towards these desires lets you pick relevant skills on the go. Manipulating people or situations becomes your natural part if you are power hungry and similarly you would know how to impress people if you wanted to become famous. And you would not leave money on the table and make best use of opportunities if you wanted to become wealthy. These characters will become part of your personality. You can see the same things from opposite angle too. If you had to lose money you would be a lot stressed if your root desire is to become wealthy. Losing your reputation would give you sleepless nights if you wanted to be famous and losing the position would drive you nuts if you are power oriented. These root desires will give you immense satisfaction when you achieve them and can cause great stress when challenged. 

These desires impact everyone. They let scientists make better inventions, sportsmen break older records, politicians solve societal issues. Scratch the surface of any person, you are sure to see them. With efforts, you will clearly identify the motivating factors of everyone around you (including yourself). They need to be transcended before you reach the final stage of self-actualization as defined by Maslow. This would roughly translate into becoming a spiritual being in another parlance.

Breathing efficiency

If we look at the frequency of the inputs we provide to our body, food intake is typically 3 times a day, water is more frequent, 8-10 times a day or even more. But breathing is round the clock, that continues even when we are sleeping. So, it would be interesting to understand the efficiency of breathing.

We inhale through nose, it travels through the passage, reaches lungs and there oxygen is absorbed into the body to join the bloodstream and further it travels to various parts of the body. Note that oxygen it is absorbed at lungs and not in the passage (nasal or throat region). If we are inhaling for 3 seconds on an average, the air we inhaled at the third second will be stopped before it reaches lungs and it will be forced to return halfway as exhalation begins. Similarly, when we exhale, the air which is carbon di-oxide primarily, does not completely get out of our body as some of it in the passage at the third second of exhalation will be forced to return due to inhalation. This suggests what we can make use of, whether inhalation or exhalation, is 2 out 3 seconds only. Thus we arrive at 66% of efficiency number. It does not look great for the thing we do throughout our life. What can be done about this?

 

Before we go to bed, when we are slowing down, we have few minutes to ourselves. Whether you are sitting or lying down, completely free up your body, avoid any smaller movements and ignore all those itches. When your body is at still, energy demand from body drops and breathing rate slows a little, inhale and exhale expands by a second (to 4 seconds from what we considered 3 seconds before). Now if we do the same math, 3 seconds of breathing out of 4 will be useful and efficiency is at 75%. As you know breathing also consumes some energy and when breathing becomes slow and efficiency increases, body’s energy demand drops little further. If you can close your eyes it will greatly help. Not just the energy consumption from eyes is saved, but the information flow from eyes to brain is cut-off and that means the part of the brain which processes information from eye can take rest as well. This would lead to longer breaths of 5-6 seconds of inhalation and exhalation. And efficiency would rise to above 90%. This is a good number and what is suggested by experts. You can further improve it if you can pause and hold breath after every inhalation. But that would require a longer practice before you can comfortably do it.

 

If you can repeat this exercise several times a day, even for small intervals, you will see your breaths begin to become deeper naturally. Deeper breathing has a bunch of benefits. Due to increased energy efficiency, there is a lesser load on your heart which results in lower blood pressure. Deeper breathing also calms and soothes nervous system. After couple of weeks of practice, you would notice a slightly calmer version of yourself. Your emotions would be in control and your brain will have lots of free capacity to do useful stuff. Pick a subject which was difficult for you to digest or get into the conversation which always troubled you in the past, you will be surprised to learn that you are doing a lot better this time. It happened to me and it would do the same thing for you or any other human being.

With few months of practice, energy levels further improve and need to sleep for longer hours will be gone. You will be much calmer. As you gain control over your breath, you will gain control over your mind. You would become aware of all your emotions, thinking patterns and deepest fears. Awareness levels of how you think, what you say or do will rise. You will get to know yourself better.

Along with deep breaths if you can put efforts to improve your emotional maturity (not to react immediately, see things from multiple perspectives etc.), it would transform your personality. Your ability to read other people and situations improves because you are in complete control of yourself, that lets you to see things as they are rather than your own emotions becoming a hindrance leading to misinterpretations. You would not overreact even when faced with difficult situations. You would not only live longer but also healthier and happier.

Retraining our intuitions

Thinking big, acting bold and long term does not come naturally for most of us. Why so? Why fear of failure invokes stronger emotions than lure of success? What makes us avoid risks and play safe? Here is what I learnt on this subject.

Roots of our intuitions

The central theme of evolution is survival or adapting oneself to improve chances of survival. Our ancestors in the prehistoric times had to go through the struggle for survival like every other animal. And they developed few instincts to help them survive. But some of them have lost relevance now.

Short term and risk averse tendencies of our ancestors

During the stone age, when humans were hunters-gatherers, food was scarce. The kill was not always enough to satisfy group’s hunger. Whoever got to eat first had better chances of survival. Not only acting selfish, one had to think short term, one meal at a time as no one knew when would be the next meal coming. Also, it paid to avoid great dangers. The noise in the bush would be that of a Rabbit or it could be a hungry Tiger as well. Those who took risks often did not survive long. Those who applied caution survived longer and produced off springs of their own kind. Since this struggle for survival continued for a really long period, these survival instincts got etched into human psyche. We descended from such ancestors. No wonder many of us have selfish, short term thinking and risk averse tendencies.

What happened thereafter?

Humans learnt agriculture and to store the food grains. The need for most of humans to be farmers was gone a few hundred years ago and we got spread into other streams like manufacturing, trade, arts etc. Now we take up a profession or run a business to earn a living. Our worries have shifted to monthly pay check and other things. No more we struggle for food and survival on daily basis. But in the time scale of evolution, this period of non-struggle is not long enough to change what is already hardwired into our thinking. Our intuitions still guide us to play safe often or become short term focused. Even when there is no threat to survival, our intuitions limit us from acting bold or thinking big.

Bucking the convention

Many individuals (and companies) were able to defy these natural tendencies and became counter-intuitive. Warren Buffett is a long-term investor. Long-term denotes he overcame the natural tendency of thinking short term. Investing means he has embraced the risks. Jeff Bezos unconventional thinking has rewarded him hugely.

Are you a Giver or a Taker?

Adam Grant in his book “Give and Take” explains how givers, though small in numbers, build networks and flourish. Takers who act selfishly might gain in the short term, but the givers have an edge in the long run as they build trust, credibility, promote reciprocation and provide a direction. Individuals or organizations who stepped up to solve a problem in unconventional ways produced a ripple effect. Think of big companies like Google and Facebook and how their unconventional business models worked out well for them.

How to become counter-intuitive or retrain our intuition?

Daniel Kahneman, a behavioral psychologist who won a Nobel Prize for his work, explains in his book “Thinking Fast and Slow” that we have two systems of thinking. System 1 thinking which is quick, intuitive but often biased. System 2 thinking is a slow, analytical thinking process where reasoning becomes the focus and that helps to overcome bias. He suggests that until we become proficient or an expert in a field, we should not use System 1 thinking to make decisions. We need to train and retrain with System 2 thinking for our judgements to improve.

Summary

Acknowledging the fact that long term thinking does not come naturally to us and making conscious efforts to overcome our selfish and risk-averse tendencies improves our judgements and actions.

Influences:

1. Sapiens and Homo Deus by Yuval Noah Harrari

2. Naval Ravikant podcast

Motivational world of Podcasts

Let me tell how all this started. I have been walking as a regular exercise consistently at least for an hour everyday for the past one year. Initially I had fellow walkers walking along with with me. But they had no consistent routine or my time did not match theirs. And then came the rainy season. That did not let me go far away from home and I have to make rounds nearby. And during those walks, I would use my free hands to make phone calls I had to make but they won't last long for an hour and there won't be any need to make calls everyday. 

So I was looking for listening to something as I walked. I was used to watching on youtube - 'Talks at Google', I observed that the same is available as podcast. Similarly 'Farnam Street' blogger has his own podcast. That was nice and interesting. As I started exploring further, I hit the goldmine - Naval. I was so absorbed listening to him and re-listening to him on his podcasts. That accompanied my walks for couple of weeks. In fact, listening to him was so wonderful, my walks became longer. Than I got hooked up to other podcasts - one by Robert Greene, one of my favorite authors, then "Knowledge Project" by Shane Parrish, and now going through "Masters of Scale with Reid Hoffman".  They reduced my reading time but I was able to absorb the information, knowledge, insights offered in these podcasts with almost same intensity of reading. There is one Kannada story channel "ಕೇಳಿರೊಂದು ಕಥೆಯ" too, which I play for my 4 year old son for bedtime stories.

As I share with you always the things that inspire me and keep my mind occupied, I thought I can't keep away from sharing this too.

Here are the links to podcasts:

Naval: https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9uYXZhbC5saWJzeW4uY29tL3Jzcw?sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwizzvWKksvsAhXy8zgGHTKJDacQ9sEGegQIARAK

 

Robert Greene Mentoring You: https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuc3ByZWFrZXIuY29tL3Nob3cvNDUyMDEzOS9lcGlzb2Rlcy9mZWVk?sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwizzvWKksvsAhXy8zgGHTKJDacQ9sEGegQIARAI

The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish: https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly90aGVrbm93bGVkZ2Vwcm9qZWN0LmxpYnN5bi5jb20vcnNz?sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwizzvWKksvsAhXy8zgGHTKJDacQ9sEGegQIARAJ

Masters of Scale with Reid Hoffman: https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9yc3MuYXJ0MTkuY29tL21hc3RlcnMtb2Ytc2NhbGU?sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwizzvWKksvsAhXy8zgGHTKJDacQ9sEGegQIARAC

ಕೇಳಿರೊಂದು ಕಥೆಯ: https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cDovL2tlbGlyb25kdWthdGhleWEub3JnL3Jzcw?sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwizzvWKksvsAhXy8zgGHTKJDacQ9sEGegQIARAL

Happiness is ability to eat right and sleep well

I used to think happiness is something we experience when we achieve something significant. That understanding was slowly changing in me in the recent past. Now I think happiness is being able to eat right and sleep well. That’s all. After my experiences in the last two months, this understanding has become even more concrete.

It was third week of last month (May'2019). Schedules were hectic in the office as we had some executives were visiting us. It was a tiring week and I was waiting for the weekend to begin. At last, came the Friday evening. That day, I reached home with an intention to unwind. But destiny had something else for me. My wife was on phone when I was stepping into home and she told there is a medical emergency for her father and we need to reach the hospital at the earliest. I was not in that mood. Whole of my body did not want to go anywhere, but this was an exception and need of the hour. Though I had no energy left to drive the car, I did take it out and set on the journey to hospital. We had almost reached the hospital, my phone ringed and it was a shocking news. My mother had died. Though devastated, I had my hands on the steering wheel, managed to drive the car to hospital we needed to go, parked it in the hospital premises, gave away the keys to my brother-in-law asking him to take care of the situation. Then left to bus station to reach my native.

The days which were waiting for me had nothing pleasant. Pain of separation and the situation I got into ensured I could not eat or sleep well. Luckily, I did not fall sick. But dampening of life energy and the confrontation with death (which is certain and unpredictable too), killed me partially. I survived but did not come out strong.

After coming back from native to Bangalore, hospital visits continued as my father-in-law had got admitted to hospital for a surgery. After a week, he got discharged. But he was not feeling easy at home. Within 2 days, he had to go back to hospital and so my visits to hospital continued as well. Ability to eat right and sleep well were compromised again.

Everything will pass. My father-in-law got discharged again. That whole weekend, I did nothing else than sleeping. And then Monday came, I got back to work. I thought normalcy of life got restored. That evening, I wanted to reach home early to have a relaxed evening. While I was on the way, my wife called me to report that our son is sick and asked me to reach a hospital nearby directly. I told myself, hell with happiness, get used to new norms. But my son’s sickness was not a sickness and there was nothing to worry. I felt God is kind. After reaching home, though I wanted to go to bed early, I thought of finishing few email communications and opened the office laptop. There were couple of emails needing my urgent action. By the time I was done with them, it was already past mid-night. My idea of sleeping well got compromised again.

Now, having food on time and sleeping peacefully for eight hours a day appears to be the best luxury I would get. I wish and hope that I am not asking for too much from the God.

Well done Voters !

It is satisfying to see that voters gave a clear mandate during general elections. While they did so, they did so many other things which needs an applause.

First of all, those candidates who spent money to the tune of few crores to couple of hundred crore rupees, they lost out badly. Much hyped Mandya constituency comes to my mind where the fight was between son of a sitting CM and an independent candidate. All the money, political power, caste politics, bureaucratic support could not help CM's son win the elections. Voters have sent out a strong message, a formidable one. It has shaken the belief of political parties. The basement on which they had built their kingdom is shaken. What worked for them until now, does not work any more. Voters cannot be manipulated, not all the times. They have made their choice. The case is rested.

Second, majority of the goons, extremists, corrupt politicians who won by force earlier have lost this time. Look at incidents happened in the states of UP, Bihar and everywhere else. When a goon becomes MP, his son would become a even bigger mischief. That cycle is broken. When a candidate without evil background wins, you can expect that at least he and his family does not misbehave with citizens. That is a message to the goons to reform themselves if they want to fight elections again.

Third, winning streams are broken. Mallikarjun Kharge who had won 11 consecutive elections, had to accept defeat this time. Rahul Gandhi who was winning in Amethi (for what reasons I am not sure of) has to face voter's ire this time. Deve Gowda, an expert politician has to acknowledge that his experience did not help him this time. Mandate is clear and no one wins forever.

Though the path ahead is a longer one, the journey has begun on a firmer foot. There would more candidates who would win in future elections because of their credibility and not because of money, caste or muscle power. If money is not used during elections, there is lesser pressure on candidates to make money through illegal means, so we can expect them to deliver cleaner results. Vicious circle of corruption had to break somewhere, and it is a great thing that voters made the first move.

I have a stronger hope now that my India will progress with giant leaps now.

Life without mother is no more the same

Mother taught me the basics of everyday life - from the mother tongue to food habits, dressing sense to how to talk to anyone. She was not a highly educated woman, but had a wisdom and philosophy of her own. That became a guiding principle for the family she raised or at least for me.  She taught me how to be independent in life, take little responsibilities for the family, to be helpful to others in need and not be a bothersome person for people around me. Looking back I can see that it has become a guiding principle for me through times thick and thin.

As I grew up, I and she had lots of differences in how we see and judge people around both of us. While being less emotional I could see through hidden  intent of people quite easily, she struggled at it and was prone to consistent manipulations by others. That would tire me and my efforts to reason with her never produced any useful results. Despite such differences, our relationship as mother and son didn't see troubles as she believed in me blindly too at times like how she did for others.

Just a fortnight ago, we had gone out as a family to vote in general elections. While I don't know how many times she has voted in her life but I am sure she had never ignored her social responsibilities. Now that she is separated from me physically, life doesn't not look the same anymore. I don't think there would be any other person than your mother who would be as happy and proud of you. Though she has taught me from beginning to be independent, even from her, I never intended to loose her. Now I have became an orphan. It is a painful experience to lose the person who brought you into this world and taught it's ways. Though she would not have agreed with me, she would have given me a patient hearing for all the complaints I had. While she departed, she had made me mute partially. This lesson is not an easy one and can't be avoided by anyone either.