Remembering my mother who is no more

I went through many Facebook posts and Whatsapp status of friends with photos of their mothers  on the occasion of Mother's day. I not only resonate with them for their love to their mothers, but I also regret my loss. Coincidentally it was the month of May which took my mother away three years ago.

 

I was not the only child to my mother. She had five of them. I was not the eldest who was her favorite. I was not the youngest with whom she had highest tolerance. Naturally her focus and time had to be rationed among her children. Some of my upbringing tasks were shared by my elder sister and grandmother. In my early childhood, I don’t remember running into my mother for every need. She had many things to do and there were many helping hands in the house to share the burden. It was a collective upbringing. I don’t remember her likes or whims in those years.

 

As the years passed on, during my high school days, I began to understand the power of my mother. Our family that time was barely able to meet the needs of all the family members. Compared to today’s standards, we were poor. That is when I began to notice the role of my mother in running the family and putting her children’s needs above her’s. You can say all mothers do it. But there was a difference. My father’s contributions to shouldering the responsibility of family were not encouraging. It was left to my mother to run the show. I am not sure if it was in her personality or circumstances had made her so, my mother had a very wide social network. Her reputation and knack to garner support made our family machinery run smooth. I don’t remember any relative turning down my mother’s request for help. She too was there for them in the needy times. She was privy to many of our relative’s closest matters. She knew everything happened in those families and she would be there on every occasion. And in turn, I and my siblings would receive the affection among our relatives for being children of my mother.

 

I had given my first salary to my mother and had asked to buy a silk saree for herself. I learnt later that she had used it for family expenditure. I knew my mother was like a hub in the wheel for my family. Though I would support her as needed, I was also thinking I had the right to argue with her. She had her favorite and it was not me. And I would not agree with some of her decisions. Any effort of convincing would not change her mind. And there were times she was there with me with her full support. She had full faith in my abilities and there was never a moment of doubt. I was a star in her eyes. And she believed that I am a person to rely on in the difficult times. She hoped and wished I would achieve a lot more in life.

 

When I learnt of my mother’s death, it was difficult for me believe or digest it for many months to come. It was so sudden. The number of people who had come to pay her last respect mesmerized me. She had touched so many people’s lives. She had not much to offer than words of comfort and solace. But that was enough for her network. Everyone won’t need food or money but a shoulder to cry on and the words of courage to get through difficult times.

 

It never occurred to me that I would lose her. After losing the person who was proud of me, I realize my failure to accept her weaknesses. I always saw her as my mother but not as an individual with her own life motives. I am ashamed of my arguments with her. She would have taken no time to forgive me if she was alive. Surely, I would have done better. I pray for her departed soul. There are invaluable teachings she has instilled in me. Her memory gives me strength to face hardships of life.